Girls Are Evil

I had never before considered it. Could they really have a plan? Could they really have some sort of grand scheme that we are all merely pegs in? (I know I know – don’t end a sentence with a preposition!) I may have stumbled onto something that will, more than likely, end in some sort of apocolyptic Male VS Female battle for the world, but let’s hope it doesn’t. I can’t hit a girl.

Let me explain.

I have a crush

Those of you live in Madison, I won’t tell you so don’t ask me. Those of you who don’t, send me an email and maybe I’ll drop a hint. And plus, I’m probably making this up. But, as of lately, I’ve become frustrated with this vixen, and have taken to IM counseling. A friend of mine, whom I trust because she doesn’t live around here, came online. Since we’ve discussed girl/guy problems before, I asked her for advice. P.S. She lives in Israel – the country.

rauschpax: Well, still confused about that girl.

Mellon Collie: why

did you try anything?

rauschpax: Well, okay. I go online, make myself totally available and she
doesn’t talk to me. She always makes me talk first. I’m getting sick of it.

Mellon Collie: oh, thats what Elad used to do with me

He would say he doesn’t notice when people come on line

rauschpax: Did that strategy work?

Mellon Collie: well, I hate him now and we haven’t spoken in two months

so no

Dead end already! What was I to do. My tried and true method of “wait it out, suckah” had just gone down in flames by a member of the sex I was trying to seduce. Ayelet, the girl I’m talking to in this conversation, told me to go online, and wait. Right. That’ll work. She asks for more info on the story. I give her a quick summation of the specs. This is what she has to say.

Mellon Collie: well… I don’t know. I guess it’s harder if you’re a boy
girls have… ok this is going to sound stupid so I’ll just say that girls have ways to know if someone likes them or not

rauschpax: Yeah. Girls are so damn sneaky. Guys are obtuse. I know that I’m sending massive signals, and I can’t stop it.

Mellon Collie: what sygnals?

gearls are pretty sneaky. I mean…. god if guys knew how much of the stuff that happens around them is actually planned out and thought through and set up, they wouldn’t believe it!!!!

rauschpax: I’d believe it. I’m paranoid. I read into everything.

Mellon Collie: most guys aren’t like that.

they’re dumb as hell.

want to hear what me and my friend planned out for Alon?

rauschpax: Those signals that girls pick up. We send them by looking at you too much in a group conversation, by going out of our way to say hi, by offering to help you with things.

rauschpax: Sure – lay it on me.

Mellon Collie: ok. So he lives where my best friend does. And he’s really into music and stuff. So on friday I’m sleeping over at her house.

And I’ll be like (ok, well, I already did this) “Hey Alon! I want a Led Zeppelin cd! I’m sleeping at Naama’s house on friday so maybe you can give it to me”
and he said “so you’re coming over to my house?” (fell right for it!!!)

So I was like…. “hmmm…. depends if I’m getting the cd or not”. So it sounds like I’m doing him a favor

Then, on friday, Naama and I go to his house, but about half an hour later, her boyfriend calls her and says she just hasss to come over becuase he has something really important to tel her.

So she’ll act all uncomfortable and ask if it’s ok to go.

and he’ll say yes

and thats it

Holy cow! I had no idea! When did girls get to be masters of the universe and suddenly decide to run our lives behind our back?! I needed time to think about this, so I went to class (novel idea, I know). When I got back, Ayelet was still online. And someone else was, too.

rauschpax: She’s online, what do I do?

Mellon Collie: say hi

rauschpax: Thanks alot.

rauschpax: She’s away now.

Mellon Collie: sorry

did you talk to her?

rauschpax: No, I didn’t.

Mellon Collie: oh well, her loss

she’ll be back though



rauschpax: She’s offline.

Mellon Collie: oh oh no

don’t be sad

rauschpax: I’m not sad. I’m ignoring her, right? Or wait. I’m saying hi when she’s not away. Right? I’m confused.

Mellon Collie: you say hi when sh’es not away

but not immediatley when she gets on

wait for a few minutes

rauschpax: How many? 5? 10?

Mellon Collie: 7

rauschpax: Good medium.

rauschpax: Ok. 7 minutes – I say ‘hi.’ Then what?

Mellon Collie: yeah

why are you so nervous?

does she not like you at all?

Mellon Collie: whats up?

rauschpax: I don’t know. I know she like me as a friend.

Mellon Collie: thats good! and you talk to her not on line as well right?

rauschpax: Yeah.

So, there I was. My grand answer is – be online, and wait seven minutes, then say “Hi.” THAT’S supposed to score me this girl? It was about this time that it hit me – I’m taking relationship advice from a 16 year old girl in Israel.

Should I take her advice or not? Post your comments and let me know what to do.

Author: Miles Rausch

I've made a smart playlist of all the songs with 0 plays. I listen to them because I feel bad for them not because I like the music. I'm THAT guy.

5 thoughts on “Girls Are Evil”

  1. I will defend myself Miles, thanks a lot!
    Did you try my magic 7 minute plan or are you just against it from the start? And yes, taking advice from 16 year olds in Israel is a good idea.
    Didn’t you know? It’s all holy over here. We get enlighted more often than you.

  2. dude, cant you see, this is all part of their evil plan!
    they all know when we talk to other girls about a girl, women are networked. I wouldnt trust anyone that lives that close to Iraq.(jk)

  3. So, you’re saying that girls in Israel are communicating with girls in the States, and they’re all determined to bring males down?

    I no longer trust any woman alive or dead or otherwise. Undead chicks are the worse. I mean, let’s not kid ourselves. They’re only fun until something falls off, then it’s “oops, ladies!”

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