Get Rich Quick

Today was a long day. I was tired all day, and wanted nothing better than to sleep my emotions into oblivion. I get moody when I get real stressed. I need to keep busy, but if I get too busy, then that’s bad, too. Just around play time, I seem to get hit hard. Plays tend to stress me out, but I love doing it. So, I’ve been unusual today. I didn’t even talk to Ayelet today.

So, actually, right now I’m close to comatose, but I came up with this idea on my way to band, and I figured it had potential. I hope it makes you laugh and brightens your day.

P.S. I made it into the Madison Paper! So much publicity lately. Make sure you check out the play on November 1,2,4,5,6 at 8:00 pm up at the Dakota Prarie Playhouse! It should be a great night of theatre.

And now …

Miles Rausch’s Patented Guide to Becoming Unhappy™, ©!

:) Does this remind you of you? Do you do things like smile, hug people, or smile? Do your friends call you “Happy Pants”, “Mr. Smiles” or “Joyball”? Well, then I have the solution.

With my patented, copyrighted ©, and trademarked ™ (internationally) guide to becoming unhappy, you will be unhappy in minutes. The secret is in my patented, copyrighted ©, and trademarked ™ (internationally) techniques.

Step One : Frown.

Like this : :(. If smiling makes people happy, and frowns are the opposite of smiles, then frowns can make you unhappy. Think of it. There are millions of muscles that make up a smile – if you wear them out, they can break and cause hemorrhaging! No one likes hemorrhaging.
On the other hand, frowning uses only one muscle – the lip! And your lips are made of plastic, so they will never break and cause hemorrhaging. Thank God, huh?

Step Two : Think of sad things.

How often do you see a Doctor, Lawyer, or other professional smiling when they see you? All the time. This is because they are thinking of happy things, like all the money they’re going to make off of you, or the weird things they are going to leave in your body during the surgery. You don’t have to succumb to the same fate – think Holocaust. Think WTC. Think COBOL and Yanni – for eternity. Any sort of death theme is appropriate. For ideas, you can ask a particularly “goth” looking friend. Jeff Gabhart on the Zimmermann 3rd floor, for example.

Step Three : Give Me Money.

This will surely change your mood. Giving me money – for no other reason than just because – will turn the gayest Gayperson into the ungayest Gayperson, to be sure. (No offense to real life Gaypersons – you guys are great. Love the colors.)
But you don’t just have to give me money for no reason – you can give me money for the “Guide to Becoming UnHappy”!

If you send me anywhere between $5 & $5 , 000 , 000 and I’ll send you this:

  • One photocopy of a printout of this ad, including a forged signature from me!

You’ll also get:

  • See above

It’s that simple.

Who wants to wear out the Happy emotion? No one! That is why you should buy my guide today. Don’t crack a Smile – Crack a Frown!

(For a limited time only, because this is way illegal)

9 Replies to “Get Rich Quick”

  1. i like how COBOL is listed with the Halocaust.
    you must really want people to be cranky when you mention COBOL.
    the check is the mail

  2. I try to appeal to a wide audience. Like Jeff, Carl, Collin, and whoever is online when I post anything.

    I set my standards, high, and Jeff came out on top.

    Wait, what did I write?

  3. Yeah, talking to me brightens up anyones day.
    Turn your frown upside down!!

    See? it’s starting to work already, and this is only a comment.

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