Of Miles Rausch

Step One : Sign

Peo­ple — I’m back. You may not real­ize, but what I’m about to type has been sit­ting on the burn­ers for a bit now. Why? I was afraid. I was afraid of ret­ri­bu­tion from the mass of females addicted to the hottt body and mys­te­ri­ous nature of Vin Diesel. But I have got­ten my con­fi­dence back.

There are, near as I can tell at this moment, 3 steps to killing Vin Diesel and I can onlyl remem­ber 2 of them. So, here is the list:

1. Make a sign.
2. …
3. Get rid of Vin Diesel

Sim­ple and beautiful.

So let me explain step one. First you have to make a sign to your cause. All great social change comes about with a sign. some more obvi­ous exam­ples would be “Room for Rent”, “Blacks Suck”, and “Thank God for Golden Calfs.”

I could go into a long, red, angry tirade about what each sign means or what they insti­gated as social change or what I am even talk­ing about (some of you just tuned in), but I won’t. That would be waaaaaay too much work on my part. And I’m the one who really mat­ters, right? What do I look like? God? I’m not God.

I am try­ing to kill God.

I had to decide what best to dec­o­rate my sign with. For the cre­ative thrust I needed, I talked to Jeff. (No, really, I did.) The first part of any sign is the back­ground. I needed to show the wom­ens that I am a solid guy. That what you see is what you get. I chose to use rec­tan­gles (stud­ies prove that four cor­ners turn girls on). what color? Red. like fiery pas­sion. But I wanted to show that I’m a guy of many shades (but not nec­es­sar­ily a shady guy) so I made the rec­tan­gles (get­ting hottt yet ladies?) go from black (ooo, he’s so dark) to red (ooo, he’s so passionate).

Now I have 2 (count ‘em) rec­tan­gles (cor­ners, baby) on a sheet of paper. I was sat­is­fyed but Jeff thought the ladies want mo’. He said (and I quote), “The Ladies need more than just 2 rec­tan­gles of fiery, hot pas­sion, fool.” Great. Well then, I’ll lure them in with pic­tures of what they’re miss­ing — me (and Jeff).

I picked a dark, moody pic­ture for me. Very artis­tic, but it could also be fiery and pas­sion­ate (yeah, baby) and it could also be Vin Diesel (from another angle). The shad­ows squat on my face and shoul­ders as the light farts from above me. Grand pic, I say.

To not scare any chicky-babies away, I included a pic­ture of Jeff. His light-hearted, smile-invoking self-portrait helped to bal­ance my over­whelm­ing shad­owy, squint-reaping © Pics­By­Hafner shot. To add that “ghost” feel (and to show off my Pho­to­shop ‘skillz’) the pics are semi-transparent, sorta. The point is that you can still see our rec­tan­gles, you know? I think the pas­sion effect is over­all increased.

You know what that means — it’s about time to plug the web­site (gotta make a liv­ing, you know?) I thought about includ­ing a pic­ture of the key­board and mouse that I use to craft the page, but I don’t think that they would get the pic­ture. So I included graph­ics from mine and Jeff’s sites.

Boo ya! We’re done. “No,” Jeff cau­tions. “How’re the babes (he actu­ally used a much naugh­tier word) going to know that you’re avail­able? You must use sweet, sweet words to bring them in. Talk first, lovin’ (he actu­ally used a much naugh­tier word here, too) latah!” And then he started to elbow me in the ribs while mak­ing this “bel­liger­ent jew­eler” sound. “God, stop it,” I said, but I real­ized that he had been elbow­ing a good point into me.

The only sweet, sweet word to come to mind (that would get me lovin’) was the word “Brothel”. Who knows what that means, raise your hand? Good. Good. Not only does it con­jure images of sexy guys with web­sites, but it won’t get blocked by most net nan­nies. Of course, I already got myself blocked for say­ing “fiery pas­sion” so many bloody times. I would explain what a brothel is (no, it doesn’t make soup) but then I would have to say some words that only Jeff uses in this room so I’ll say “Go to dictionary.com instead.”

Alas, it was fin­ished! All I have to do is to hang it up in a high traf­fic area (and I don’t mean drug traf­fic … until Sun­day at least) and the babes, ladies, broads, and girlies (and prob­a­bly some guys) will be knock­ing on/down my/our door for the fiery pas­sion within/of the hottt brothel.

Except that it’s been up a while now and only Carl has shown up (makes you won­der about Carl). Come on, Ladies! You know you want the pas­sion! And I can’t stay fiery hottt for long, it’s bloody win­ter, you know.

To make myself use­ful since them I have been spend­ing oodles of time at http://converse.lazydesert.net and today (yes today) I com­pletely redid my school site. If you have a good browser (any­thing but IE) then you can see some neat things on the “acooldoggy” page.

But I really like how it turned out. I had that pic­ture in my head and I did just what I wanted. It’s black and white. Maybe that will attract chickiebabes.

Oh well. I’ll give it the sign more week, then I’m going to go buy a Hot Rod mag­a­zine. Cause they got the girls with the boobs on the cover.