Step One : Sign

People – I’m back. You may not realize, but what I’m about to type has been sitting on the burners for a bit now. Why? I was afraid. I was afraid of retribution from the mass of females addicted to the hottt body and mysterious nature of Vin Diesel. But I have gotten my confidence back.

There are, near as I can tell at this moment, 3 steps to killing Vin Diesel and I can onlyl remember 2 of them. So, here is the list:

1. Make a sign.
2. …
3. Get rid of Vin Diesel

Simple and beautiful.

So let me explain step one. First you have to make a sign to your cause. All great social change comes about with a sign. some more obvious examples would be “Room for Rent”, “Blacks Suck”, and “Thank God for Golden Calfs.”

I could go into a long, red, angry tirade about what each sign means or what they instigated as social change or what I am even talking about (some of you just tuned in), but I won’t. That would be waaaaaay too much work on my part. And I’m the one who really matters, right? What do I look like? God? I’m not God.

I am trying to kill God.

I had to decide what best to decorate my sign with. For the creative thrust I needed, I talked to Jeff. (No, really, I did.) The first part of any sign is the background. I needed to show the womens that I am a solid guy. That what you see is what you get. I chose to use rectangles (studies prove that four corners turn girls on). what color? Red. like fiery passion. But I wanted to show that I’m a guy of many shades (but not necessarily a shady guy) so I made the rectangles (getting hottt yet ladies?) go from black (ooo, he’s so dark) to red (ooo, he’s so passionate).

Now I have 2 (count ’em) rectangles (corners, baby) on a sheet of paper. I was satisfyed but Jeff thought the ladies want mo’. He said (and I quote), “The Ladies need more than just 2 rectangles of fiery, hot passion, fool.” Great. Well then, I’ll lure them in with pictures of what they’re missing – me (and Jeff).

I picked a dark, moody picture for me. Very artistic, but it could also be fiery and passionate (yeah, baby) and it could also be Vin Diesel (from another angle). The shadows squat on my face and shoulders as the light farts from above me. Grand pic, I say.

To not scare any chicky-babies away, I included a picture of Jeff. His light-hearted, smile-invoking self-portrait helped to balance my overwhelming shadowy, squint-reaping © PicsByHafner shot. To add that “ghost” feel (and to show off my Photoshop ‘skillz’) the pics are semi-transparent, sorta. The point is that you can still see our rectangles, you know? I think the passion effect is overall increased.

You know what that means – it’s about time to plug the website (gotta make a living, you know?) I thought about including a picture of the keyboard and mouse that I use to craft the page, but I don’t think that they would get the picture. So I included graphics from mine and Jeff’s sites.

Boo ya! We’re done. “No,” Jeff cautions. “How’re the babes (he actually used a much naughtier word) going to know that you’re available? You must use sweet, sweet words to bring them in. Talk first, lovin’ (he actually used a much naughtier word here, too) latah!” And then he started to elbow me in the ribs while making this “belligerent jeweler” sound. “God, stop it,” I said, but I realized that he had been elbowing a good point into me.

The only sweet, sweet word to come to mind (that would get me lovin’) was the word “Brothel”. Who knows what that means, raise your hand? Good. Good. Not only does it conjure images of sexy guys with websites, but it won’t get blocked by most net nannies. Of course, I already got myself blocked for saying “fiery passion” so many bloody times. I would explain what a brothel is (no, it doesn’t make soup) but then I would have to say some words that only Jeff uses in this room so I’ll say “Go to dictionary.com instead.”

Alas, it was finished! All I have to do is to hang it up in a high traffic area (and I don’t mean drug traffic … until Sunday at least) and the babes, ladies, broads, and girlies (and probably some guys) will be knocking on/down my/our door for the fiery passion within/of the hottt brothel.

Except that it’s been up a while now and only Carl has shown up (makes you wonder about Carl). Come on, Ladies! You know you want the passion! And I can’t stay fiery hottt for long, it’s bloody winter, you know.

To make myself useful since them I have been spending oodles of time at http://converse.lazydesert.net and today (yes today) I completely redid my school site. If you have a good browser (anything but IE) then you can see some neat things on the “acooldoggy” page.

But I really like how it turned out. I had that picture in my head and I did just what I wanted. It’s black and white. Maybe that will attract chickiebabes.

Oh well. I’ll give it the sign more week, then I’m going to go buy a Hot Rod magazine. Cause they got the girls with the boobs on the cover.