Valentine’s Day. It’s coming up and I figured that I’d kick the holiday in the nuts with a preemptive strike.
There’s not much I can say positive about this day except that it’s a halfway for me. I do not like Valentine’s Day. I really don’t. I’m gonna give you reasons, but in a humourous form so that the utter depression that sinks over this post doesn’t permeate into your life as it has mine.
Uh, that was supposed to be funny, too. Here goes!
- You can’t even see your heart. Why would I want your heart. It doesn’t even look like that. Give me a tasteful primary organ in a vacuum sealed plastic sack – now THAT’S love.
- Boys are dumb. (that line especially for Missa). But, really, they are. And to try to explain it to them is like teaching algebra to golden labs. Or like teaching univeristy physics to chickens. Or any of my other classes to livestock.
- Girls are evil. (that line especially for Me). But, really, they are. And to explain it to them is like teaching hardware to an education major. Or like teaching Photoshop to a music major. Or any of my other classes to dorks (ooo, controversy – comment about it!).
- Love is a lost cause. There is a phrase, “It is better to have lost and loved than to never have loved at all.” How many flavors of Peyote do you have to smoke to come up with that? Look at all the pop culture devoted to lost love. And how much it bloody sucks. Look at it – all the music, movies, books, and so on devoted to the pains and labours of lovin’ and losin’.
- Jones Cream Soda. (consider this filler)
- Valentines suck. You can never find a good valentine. They are all the same tiny cards of thin, government grade cardboard with the same tired, lame sayings that some creepy old guy who has a penchant for watching the boys swim at the ‘Y’ made up sometime after the Big Bang but before our years hit Zero.
- Because Valentine’s Day makes you do things like massacre people.
- Because love makes you do things like be creative.
- Because Hitler loved people, too. You don’t want to be like Hitler, do you?
- In 1958, a man was born with the power to move things with his mind. He sought guidance with his unusual gift, but he found nothing but pain and hardship. Soon he met a special Ninja frog who could help the boy harness his power. This frog, Dais, had devoted his life to the abomination of nonAmphibian persons, however, and used the boy in his quest.
The boy’s mind grew sharper and stronger. He was soon convincing waterfalls to return to their roots and animals to march to their death. Then he turned this to humans. Thousands upon Thousands of Men and Women were marched into the streets, stripped naked, and then tossed into the air. Many were hurt a little bit, but the rest were stone dead.
Then the boy flew to the moon on the back of the Frog. They stood on the highest Moon Peak overlooking the earth and in a fell swoop of his mind, the boy had completely erased the world from existance. Nevermind those who he had already killed. Add to that (large) number a number equal to all who lived on earth in 1958 and who no longer live. This is the total number of those whom he killed.
As they stood cackling at their evil, the moon stood in it’s fourteenth house of Jupiter. The boy turned to the sun and screamed his name to the darkness of space. His name was Sir Valentine. Sir Valentine of Dais on the fourteenth house of the February planet, Jupiter.
This is the history of Valentine’s Day as it was passed from generation to generation by the family decendants of Dais (who was both female and pregnant pre-1958 Erase). It was discovered by accident and translated from it’s ancient Moon-Toad writing into common day English.
Then I found the story in the library in a notebook where I had written it. And so it is.
This Valentine’s Day, when you think of all the reasons to be sad that you don’t have a date (and don’t worry – you won’t) just remember these 10 reasons why you should be glad you don’t participate in this holiday.
And also remember that the ACM chapter at DSU is holding a LAN party on the 15th, so you can drown your love-lusting lorn in litres of blood. It’s not like you’ll be making out with anyone…