Valentine’s Day. It’s com­ing up and I fig­ured that I’d kick the hol­i­day in the nuts with a pre­emp­tive strike.

There’s not much I can say pos­i­tive about this day except that it’s a halfway for me. I do not like Valentine’s Day. I really don’t. I’m gonna give you rea­sons, but in a humourous form so that the utter depres­sion that sinks over this post doesn’t per­me­ate into your life as it has mine.

Uh, that was sup­posed to be funny, too. Here goes!

1. You can’t even see your heart. Why would I want your heart. It doesn’t even look like that. Give me a taste­ful pri­mary organ in a vac­uum sealed plas­tic sack — now THAT’S love.
2. Boys are dumb. (that line espe­cially for Missa). But, really, they are. And to try to explain it to them is like teach­ing alge­bra to golden labs. Or like teach­ing uni­veristy physics to chick­ens. Or any of my other classes to livestock.
3. Girls are evil. (that line espe­cially for Me). But, really, they are. And to explain it to them is like teach­ing hard­ware to an edu­ca­tion major. Or like teach­ing Pho­to­shop to a music major. Or any of my other classes to dorks (ooo, con­tro­versy — com­ment about it!).
4. Love is a lost cause. There is a phrase, “It is bet­ter to have lost and loved than to never have loved at all.” How many fla­vors of Pey­ote do you have to smoke to come up with that? Look at all the pop cul­ture devoted to lost love. And how much it bloody sucks. Look at it — all the music, movies, books, and so on devoted to the pains and labours of lovin’ and losin’.
5. Jones Cream Soda. (con­sider this filler)
6. Valen­tines suck. You can never find a good valen­tine. They are all the same tiny cards of thin, gov­ern­ment grade card­board with the same tired, lame say­ings that some creepy old guy who has a pen­chant for watch­ing the boys swim at the ‘Y’ made up some­time after the Big Bang but before our years hit Zero.
7. Because Valentine’s Day makes you do things like mas­sacre peo­ple.
8. Because love makes you do things like be cre­ative.
9. Because Hitler loved peo­ple, too. You don’t want to be like Hitler, do you?
   and
10. In 1958, a man was born with the power to move things with his mind. He sought guid­ance with his unusual gift, but he found noth­ing but pain and hard­ship. Soon he met a spe­cial Ninja frog who could help the boy har­ness his power. This frog, Dais, had devoted his life to the abom­i­na­tion of non­Am­phib­ian per­sons, how­ever, and used the boy in his quest.
    The boy’s mind grew sharper and stronger. He was soon con­vinc­ing water­falls to return to their roots and ani­mals to march to their death. Then he turned this to humans. Thou­sands upon Thou­sands of Men and Women were marched into the streets, stripped naked, and then tossed into the air. Many were hurt a lit­tle bit, but the rest were stone dead.
    Then the boy flew to the moon on the back of the Frog. They stood on the high­est Moon Peak over­look­ing the earth and in a fell swoop of his mind, the boy had com­pletely erased the world from exis­tance. Nev­er­mind those who he had already killed. Add to that (large) num­ber a num­ber equal to all who lived on earth in 1958 and who no longer live. This is the total num­ber of those whom he killed.
    As they stood cack­ling at their evil, the moon stood in it’s four­teenth house of Jupiter. The boy turned to the sun and screamed his name to the dark­ness of space. His name was Sir Valen­tine. Sir Valen­tine of Dais on the four­teenth house of the Feb­ru­ary planet, Jupiter.
    
    This is the his­tory of Valentine’s Day as it was passed from gen­er­a­tion to gen­er­a­tion by the fam­ily decen­dants of Dais (who was both female and preg­nant pre-1958 Erase). It was dis­cov­ered by acci­dent and trans­lated from it’s ancient Moon-Toad writ­ing into com­mon day Eng­lish.
    Then I found the story in the library in a note­book where I had writ­ten it. And so it is.

This Valentine’s Day, when you think of all the rea­sons to be sad that you don’t have a date (and don’t worry — you won’t) just remem­ber these 10 rea­sons why you should be glad you don’t par­tic­i­pate in this holiday.

And also remem­ber that the ACM chap­ter at DSU is hold­ing a LAN party on the 15^th, so you can drown your love-lusting lorn in litres of blood. It’s not like you’ll be mak­ing out with anyone…