Since the “pick your favorite Awayken.com moment” isn’t quite taking off, I’ve decided to just pick what I want out of it and rewrite those. As it is, the wall outside our room was vandalized again. This time I am taking it personal. So I found out his name, Brian Rand, and I wrote him a letter. I sent it to him, too. Here it is.
Wow. You’re right. All those things you said about me, they are correct. You know me pretty well, Miss (you’re a girl right? Or do you just act like one? He he, j/k). I’ve been thinking about it, and I am a jackass. I have a very small, but very beautiful, collection of pogs, too! I don’t know how you figured that one, buddy, but you must have a psychic dick cause you nailed that one.
You don’t know how excited/happy I was when I woke up this morning and saw all the cool sayings (both funny AND witty) on my wall. The wall right next to my door, no less! You seem to have a knack for decorating that few but the most … efeminate of our sex attain. I’m not saying that you’re gay; I’m just saying your experimentation with your father has paid off! Good job, mate.
And now it is my turn to apologize. You must have heard that thing I said about you being impotent, right? Gosh, is my face red. I can’t believe that I said that. I mean, you couldn’t be to put posters up. I mean, they look just like the ones I had up there before; that’s what you call a good parody. And I should have known, from seeing your trashy, whore of a girlfriend, that you probably have sex with her a lot. Well, at least when your herpes isn’t acting up. Am I right? Am I right?
The duck (or duct, whichever) was a nice touch, also. Though you left some finger nail polish on one side of it. Ooops. Out with the “boys” again, sweetheart? Just kidding! Though I thought I saw you going into that gay club down in Sioux Falls. Or maybe that was your mom’s house. Who can tell? I’m not gay.
I’m not sure how Bill Gates came into the picture, but I’m betting that you pirate his software. I don’t mean to sound like a Negative Nancy (is your nickname Nancy, or did I hear wrong?), but that kind of behavior only hurts yourself. See, what’ll happen when that cool video game playing and beer drinking job you’ve been dreaming of falls though? It’s hard to get software (pirated or not) when you’re homeless and sucking off Japanese businessmen who seem to pay too little (even if it IS in yen). I could say pirate now, worry later, but when the FBI finds all that little boy porn (it doesn’t help that you have the whole ‘Preteen Love’ folder shared) they might write you up for charges like that, too.
And I’m sure you’ve heard stories about what they do to people like that in jail from your Dad. Is he in jail again, or did he outrun them this time? That man, he never knows when a girl means no, does he? Oh, well, I’m sure you’re not down that road. After all, you’re Dad can’t spell like you can. He spelled “cock” with only one ‘c’. You remember that, don’t you? In court? Maybe you blocked that from your memmory. I mean, if it was MY DAD who did THOSE THINGS to ME, I’d probably pretend I had no idea what you were talking about either.
Well, I should go. See, I have a 4.0 gpa and I didn’t get it by writing letters. I wish I could have that care free life that you have. You don’t have to go to classes (well, I mean, the academic probation says you have to, but they also say you have to go to those AA meetings, right?), you don’t have to clean the vomit off your bed in the morning if you don’t want to. You are truly one for me to look up to.
Hey, stay cool and keep those wonderful signs going! I think you have a future in that!
Yours in Wall Art,
Send Brian your own letters! [email protected].