Read This If You Like Porn

I must say that I am quite disappointed. I have been reading the school paper for almost 4 whole minutes and I believe that it isn’t living up to its potential. Let me explain.

I have had the opportunity and pleasure to read college papers from all around – SDSU, St. Olaf, and USDSU (yeah, like that counts…). The general stuff is the same. They are all black and white prostitution houses where the more you write the more you get. So these geeky, pretentious high school paper rejects spit some text onto paper for you to drink up. Hell, I can do that/am doing that right now/could con Darcy into letting me do it often.

DSU’s page is different. Well, I guess the geek spitting is the same (ok, you people love it) but something else is different. Censorship. Swearing. Cursing. Bleeping. ****ing.

Why don’t we do that? Are all the writers really that nice or do I smell a conspiracy (or do I smell General Beadle)? Not being one to pass up a reason to break into places (locked or otherwise) I quickly decided that this was a conspiracy that needed immediate sensual investigation.

And I am all about sensual investigation.

Stop ‘A’ : back to my room for some Mountain Dew and a pretzel rod. I love rods. I need these items if I am to investigate this anyway (let alone sensually). Then I decided to pay a little visit to the editor. Luckily they have that name IN the paper. Go figure. Darcy Turner is the editor. All I had was a name, but that is sometimes all you need. Actually, I guess, most times that is a lot. So I walked around stopping random people and asking them if they were Darcy Turner. I got three “maybes” and some guy’s phone number. He’s cute, but I don’t think anything is going to happen.

I decided to pay a visit to my best friend to find Darcy Turner. After she booted up, I launched my Mozilla Web Browser. Of course, with my homepage being DSU’s Website (ok, maybe not) I had just to navigate myself to Darcy Turner’s web page. It wasn’t there. I did a quick google search and came across a schedule. HER schedule. It seems that in between editing the paper and cuddling with her kitty Darcy enjoys playing the clarinet in DSU’s band. I found out where and when the Band rehearses and made my way through the snow dunes up there to…

Stop ‘B’ : the playhouse. It is a well known fact that the band rehearses on Mondays and Wednesdays starting at 4:30pm. Okay, I guess you get about the same reaction as if you were to ask an Education Major what 2 is in binary. Ooooo, baZing! Just joking, Ed. Majors. I love ya! At this time it was 4 o’clock, so I decided to wait. The hands of my watch raced each other to 5:30. Nothing.

That is when I realized that it was Thursday. Great. I was quickly losing interest in this investigation. I was ALMOST to the point of losing my sensualness (as if!)

I went back to the Trojan Center to … eh, eat … a large quantity of salt being passed off as French fries. I only made it to the half-way mark on the fries, because it was there that they had consolidated into a shell-like encasing. I could hear sounds of movement inside and thought I saw eyes blinking back at me. I was only halfway through before my throat closed off and I went into seizures. I was only halfway done before my blood solidified and began to back up. Ok, I’m kidding. The school food isn’t THAT bad, but it sure if fun to pretend it is. 4 days and 3 gallons of vomit later, it was Monday at 4:20pm. A minute passed (4:21) before I remembered about my sensual acts before my hospitalization.

I sprinted up to the playhouse. Gathered there were about a dozen of the finest musicians I have ever heard. Around them were seated some of the largest idiots I have ever tried to ignore. I knew, in my heart, that somewhere in the crowd (and who knew which side) was Darcy Turner.

I stood up on a chair behind what I am told is a “Mr. Hegg You Idiot” and yelled loudly. “Is anyone here Darcy Turner?” I guess she sits right in front. I guess she has quite the attitude. She also has quite the shove.

“Look jerk,” she shrieked. “I’ve heard about you and I found your stupid notebook where you talk about a ‘conspiracy’ and ‘censorship’ and I want you to know that you are way off base.” She made big, swooping, claw-like gestures for the single quotes around ‘conspiracy’ and ‘censorship’ (which hurt a lot). See, you usually do something like that when you’re being sarcastic. I’m not very quick to pick sarcasm up.

She wasn’t done. “I also saw those drawings you made of me, and I know you broke into my house.” Oh, man. She’s observant. She must have seen the boot prints on her bed. I guess Pine-sol doesn’t clean everything. “You stay away from me, you hear?”

I had opportunity to retort. “You’re a little emotional right now.”

“And you’re just little!”

Oooo, man. That was it. I had had it. You know what, Darcy? I think you’re mad because you can’t edit worth sh-