I was walking to play practice today. It was cold. What do you expect? It’s winter. But, see, it was warm(ish) during the day, so it just follows that the night would be warm, right? Nope. It was “Tear Up Like I’m Watching Sleepless In Seattle” kinda cold. It was so cold that I had tears in my eyes. And it wasn’t because I was singing “I Will Always Love You” at the top of my lungs, either.
Well, maybe it was.
So, I’m walking. It’s cold. I’m crying. I’m singing. And people are staring at me as they drive by. And then it hits me: I don’t have a good addiction. I mean, I have the “intranetweb”. I have chatting and websites, but do I really have a good addiction? Do I really have any means of “getting it all out” and “letting it all hang loose”?
What are my options?
- Drugging (pott, cocaine, fast food)
- Chatting (done that)
- Smoking (cigarettes, cigars, cigaweed)
- Sporting (baseball, basketball, getting into my loft)
- Crying (doing that)
- Drinking (alcohol, sodas, blood)
- Practicing Medicine (surgury, checkups, prescriptions)
- Acting (more like acting interested in this post!)
- Punching (people, pets, faces)
- Listing (dumb things that aren’t funny)
- Eating (shrimp, TC “food”, shrooms)
- Web Design
- Or get your Bachelor’s Degree in any one of ten programs right from your home!
I know that I can’t do all of them (because Ozzy did. And look at him) so I had to choose three. Well, since i’ve already done the Chatting one, I’ll cross it out. I’ve had one experience drinking. It was supper. My brother got the great idea to have wine with our dinner. So he popped the cork (pulled it off and threw it) and we poured the biggest glasses we could find. Can you say “Big Gulp”? Well, you can’t with a mouthful of wine, even though I tried. So, I had to refill after I spit “Backyard Crick 2001” all over the table. I’ve seen TV. I’ve watched “Girls Gone Wild” commercials. I know that you’re supposed to race when you drink, so Bryce and I raced. Now, I had already had a mouthful of wine, so I had built up a greater tolerance of wine, so it was 30 seconds after Bryce that I passed out. When we woke up, we raced the second half of our cups, got tore up, and passed out.
Those were good times.
Crying is out because that is my current weekend activity, and it isn’t relieving the stress. I think I just make the rest of the guys in the weight room uncomfortable. Especially when I start taking my clothes off and asking for hugs. What’s left? Listing – I did that up there. Did you catch the joke? If you didn’t, I’m not explaining. I’ve acted before, and still act. I’m acting right now. I’m acting like I’m funny. I’m also acting like I know what I’m typing. See, I can’t actually read or write. . . hebrew. And, boy, I’ve tried. So, I think the three I’ll pick are smoking, playing sports, and practicing medicine (for time purposes). Let’s imagine a scenario.
[Enter two doctors with patient on guerney]
[Doctor one] Where is Miles?
[Doctor two] I don’t know. Let’s pretend he’s not head of surgery and just start without him.
[D1] We can’t do that. You don’t even know how to get to the spleen. How can you be sure you don’t cut some other organ out.
[D2] What about you?
[D1] I’m actually the janitor. I’m here to be the knowledgable one who has no working knowledge. You get it?
[D2] Uh… not really.
[In comes flying a basketball. It hits the patient, who groans, and bounces offstage. Following it, with a cloud of smoke following him, is Miles]
[Enter Miles. He is smoking what looks to be a 2 1/2 foot long joint. He’s wearing basketball shorts, a hockey mask, and dreadlocks]
[Miles] Hey, bitches.
[D1] *sigh* Oh, great. Look who’s here.
[Miles] Now who do we cut open? You? [Charges D2 with scalple]
[D2] NO! It’s the one on the guerney, you freak.
[Miles] Oh, don’t worry, rookie. Sooner or later, I cut everyone. Remember that.
[D2] Sweet Christ.
[D1] Are we gonna do this or what?
[Miles] Allright, I’m going in. Here [holds something out to D1] hold my watch. I lost my last one.
[D2] Are you serious?
[Miles] [Winks at D2] Ok. [Begins to cut into chest area] Is this right? Just kidding. Who wants dark meat?
[D2] [Begins to sob] You’re going to kill him!
[Miles] Isn’t that the idea? Wait, what are we cutting up here? You know, I’m hungry. I’m gonna go back and play more hoops while I smoke pott with this hockey mask on. It’s great for scaring kids in the Pediatric ward. Or the Geriatric ward. Either way, someone loses bowel control when I come at them. [He stabs his scalpal – which I CANNOT spell right – into the patient, who groans]
[D2] Pull it out! [Loses consciousness]
[D1] Stupid rookie. [Removes scalple] Looks like you’re going back to ICU [Wheels patient out again].
[Fade Out as Sports and Smoking sounds are heard]