Hot Hot Heat

The funny thing about winter is that it only lasts about 10 months and then it’s spring. At least, that’s how it is in South Dakota. I hear of other places that have winter only 4 or 5 months, and I hear of other lands where snow has never touched the ground. Ever.

If only we were so lucky. Ah, but anyway. Anatevka is our home. Er, wait. No, sorry, wrong play.

The other funny thing about winter is that it’s cold. It starts off cold and it ends cold. You know winter’s gone when it’s NOT cold. That’s because winter is only cold and that is all. That is it – no more, no less.

So, to compensate people turn on heat. Makes sense, right? It does for me, now shut’tup. The room that Jeff and I sleep in (in a totally hetero way) has a heater like all the other rooms on this floor. Ours is located conventiently in this hole in the very back of my closet. I’m not even joking. It’s about as convenient and useful as getting your running shoes AFTER the marathon. It’s about as useful as guard rails at the zoo. Well, I guess those are useful, but damn if it wouldn’t be funnier without them.

This heat knob has two settings : off and volcano. The volcano setting would be cool if actual lava spewed out from the heat vents in the desk, but it doesn’t. And it would be cool if there were some varying degrees in there. Like, maybe, a luke-warm? But no. The tiniest inch counter-clockwise sends the temperature soaring. Within minutes the finer clothes burst into flames. Shortly there after, the liquids boil and the glass begins to flow. Soon the plastic on everything is melted down and soon there is a pool of super-hot liquid solids spilling into the hall way.

Now a days, (I do have a point to this), it has gotten considerably warmer outside. So much so that I have declared it spring (cue the song). So, as such, the heat in our room is straight off. The window is open. But that doesn’t stop the heat. No, it keeps coming. I rotate harder and harder to the right to shut it off, but it does no good. Someone, somewhere, has tricked our heat into thinking that it’s still winter when it’s not. In fact, the warmer it got outside, the more heat came dancing into the room. And I tell you what, I was dancing with rage.

I don’t appreciate waking up in a pool. I don’t appreciate waking up in Hell.

But I do like being hottt. (Rarr)