MidWest? More Like MidBest!

Everyday I try to sit at a large table. I try to do this because having a large table compensates for something, and I like being able to pretend I have friends who are just a little late instead of all made up. This particular day, the day I’m talking about, I didn’t sit at a large circular table. Instead I sat in the cultural corner. You know what I’m talking about. If you stand under Big Ben, then in front of you is the “State-of-the-Art” Gateway Cafe. Which, besides having the worst computers you don’t need punch cards for, has no sort of cafe dispensing capabilities whatsoever. Anyone else notice this?

To your right you have the foodery and the “Other Corner”. Like pork is the “other white meat”, this stupid, undecorated slum of a corner is the “other corner.” No culture there, folks, besides that kind that grows. Maybe that’s why football players sit there. Oh, bad! Who would say that? You big, strong, angry football players can blame Jeff Gabhart for that line. I had nothing to do with it and my backspace key is broken. I swear.

Back in the Cultural Corner, I sat staring at my food. I felt syphoned off. I felt partitioned. I felt disengaged. I thought long and hard, trying to realize what it was. Then it hit me. Satan. Satan is the devil. White devil. Snow is the white devil. Snow melts by the sun. Sunshine. Sunday. We have church on Sunday. You go to church and you pray. Pray sounds like prey. Like a bird of prey. A vulture. A vulture is a bird of prey. Vulture sounds like culture. Wait. I have no culture. That was it.

Don’t YOU feel set apart? Don’t you feel like a loner? No, you don’t. Just like the high school-aged son of the ultra-zealous religious family who, despite his being a Junior, still bathes with his younger sister and doesn’t find it strange, so the midwest is an awkward, acne-scarred teenager amidst the more advanced cultures of the United States. Metaphors. I think there are going to be a lot of them in this article. I can feel it in my cockles.

The midwest has always been the cesspool of thought and idea. We have been discovered well before the West Coast, but you certainly can’t tell by population numbers (or celebrities). Maybe that’s why Lewis and Clark didn’t STOP here. Even back then, they could tell that there was something not right with the “Inbetween Land.” They tread lightly, spoke quietly, got drunk, passed out, woke up, and moved on. Why, oh, why didn’t our ancestors have enough sense to avoid this land? Didn’t they feel it in the weather? Seriously. Calculus doesn’t see as much change as our weather does in a “season.” (I am so geeky I scare myself.)

I think Clueless and Dark had it right. Keep heading west. To the west we have LA and San Franscisco. We have Hollywood and Compton. This is the mecca of culture. Everyone there drives big, fast cars. Everyone has a perfect tan, perfect body, perfect spouse, and perfect job. If you get tired of any one of those things, you can pick/buy/trade-off a new one. I hear that there is a special on Russian wives. Might wanna take a look at that.

Or you could head east. To the east is Ivy League. We have New York and Maine and Washington DC. These are areas of refinement. For instance, in New York they have refined the culture of hating each other and not bathing. In Maine they have refined the culture of asking Stephen King for money and the culture of asking him to write “just one more book” and to dedicate it to them. Even in DC there is refinement. In our nation’s capital they have been busy refining the culture of being mentally retarded on a global scale. You go guys!

That’s where the culture is. Hell, even head south. Texas has some culture, I’m sure. All those cowboys and cowboy hats and Mexicans. That’s gotta count for something, right? There’s also Florida down there. This is an area of cultural nuance. Texas, for example, has taken a cultural idea like pants and done a little number on it. In Texas, pants are called “chaps” and they are uncomfortable and tight and not real useful except for horse riding, which I don’t do ever. Florida has done it’s own little nuance. We call it voting; they call it “guessing.” That’s one butterfly you won’t pin down too easily.

The thing is about culture, do NOT head north. There is nothing up there for you. There’s North Dakota (which is the Special Ed version of culture) and beyond that is Canada. Nothing ever comes back out of Canada once it’s gone up there. I heard that “The Macarena” went up there 2 years ago, and no one heard from it again. And, come on. Anyone who is decended from the French has a lot to overcome as it is.

The Midwest has always been the last to get the latest “fads”. Did you know that no one outside of the midwest ever even listened to the song “Sk8r Boi”? That’s how fast that fad was over. Here, though, Avril still sings her heart out over the radio, and thank God for that. Remember pogs? That fad won’t even BE here until this summer. Some people gotten a jump start (Pog Hogs) but the real fad-wave has yet to break upon our misguided, sheltered shores.

Misguided. Sheltered. Those words seem to imply that there is ignorance abound. And, truly, we can say that ignorance is bliss. Being at the drain of culture isn’t so bad. We have a lot to look forward to (thanks to Mtv) and there are somethings we can still enjoy as only MidWesterners can. That applies to pogs; I can’t say the same for Ms. Lavigne.

| black-eyed angels swam with me |

16 Replies to “MidWest? More Like MidBest!”

  1. it wouldn’t be south dakota if it didn’t blow.

    we should be happy that things like the macarena go up to canada and never come down, they’re like a sponge.

  2. this is a great rant. realize the evils the cultural corner brings out, be warned my friends. stay out of the corner

  3. You want a Dr. Pepper, you ask for a pop.
    Everyone else in the world looks at you like you’re a freaking imbecil.
    Soda dammit. Soda

  4. it is. they say, “can you bring me a coke?” you do, and they say, “that’s not what i wanted!”


  5. you know how i feel about the midwest. who wants to be a wimpy californian or arrogant easterner… God’s country here, I tell you, God’s country… we have the best export… our people!

  6. Who wants to be a hick from the midwest? I’ve talked to people in New York and California and they’re surprised that we’re at the same place technologically as they are. It’s sad.


    Hey I talked to the parents and they say they hang out with your parents all the time. What’s up with that?? Crazy small small midwest.

  8. miles, be proud of your roots
    if you were from the west coast you’d be tan, thin, and being laid every hour on the hour.
    if you were from the east coast you’d fit in.
    see my point, so listen to mom, she doesn’t want you getting pregnant.

  9. know I know I have to beef up the prayer time for all of you guys… ropinion i did like your post… of course because you agreed with me at least online and maybe in an eddie haskell kind of way possible…

  10. Clever… snaps. :worship: Also, I think it’s a Midwest thing to listen to your mother. :rolleyes:
    and, btw, I enjoyed the “right” rite of passage entry too. Glad you’ve got some good oppressors over there in Madison.

  11. I loathe the Midwest. Never in my life have I met the most rude, arrogant and depressing people. If you don’t believe me actually get out of the midwest for a while. The ones that leave never go back. And, if they do it’s not by choice. Minneapolis, Cleveland and Chicago are ok, but other than that forget about it.

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