When is a party like Ancient Greece?

When it’s in ruins. How do you ruin a party? Evidently, you invite me to go along. I seem to be either an attractor of bad parties or a destoyer of good ones. It works much the same way inviting your dog to the cat show works. Wait, how about inviting your rapid, hyper-active dog who can’t control his bladder. Yeah, that’s closer.

My first experience with a party wasn’t until college. You can call me a loser (or su><0r) right now and get it out of your system. I have never much been into drinking and that is the staple of a party. Unless it's a gay "Let's play hide and seek!" party. I like to show up to parties like that with a flashlight and a silencer. This particular party wasn't like that at all. I think it was Quinn who brought me here. It was a quiet looking inconspicuous house on the edge of town. We entered the house and proceeded downstairs. It was dark downstairs. There were blacklights everywhere and a strobe light set up next to a computer stereo system. God invented Winamp for geeks. The lights confused me and the cramped area made me feel disorientated and confused. I felt wasted and I wasn't the one drinking. Everyone else was. Suddenly someone from upstairs down and bid the musical din to silence. "Nobody panick, but... The cops are circling the house. They gave us 10 minutes to get everyone out before they give out tickets." There was commotion. "10 minutes is a long time. Just be calm and go right home." I got upstairs with the rest and waited for the rest of my group. I noticed two guys begin out the door with their alcohol when the owner of the house stopped them. "Are you guys idiots?? The cops will see that. Leave it." We got outside, sprinted to the car, and drove back to the dorms. My first party and it had been busted! This was a very bad scene. Jump forward to the week of the play. Enter Heather. Heather : "Let's DO SOMETHING fun!" How can a guy argue with that? Heather : "I found us a party. Let's go, girl." *sigh* We got in the car and drove out of Madison toward the Hillside Supper Club on the lake. Here is where Jake (who played Perchik) had a lake house. We got out of the vehicle (after several comments made to slight my manhood and sexual orientation) and we entered his humble basement "home." We all sat in the "kitchen." The girls sat in chairs. Heather and I sat on the couch. The other four guys (yes, other four guys, Heather) sat at a table playing a drinking game with cards. Why is it that drinking games are so complicated? If drunks come up with them, shouldn't they be simple and easily won? I mentioned this to Heather who said, "That's a great ide... what?" She hadn't had anything to drink, but you couldn't tell. You also couldn't tell that it was a party. We left when Jake was drunk. This took only about 20 minutes because he was being cocky and fate decided to teach him a lesson. Then this weekend. Jeff and I go to visit Collin at the Mount in Yankton. It's a long drive. I nodded off a couple of times and so did Jeff. Except, Jeff was driving... Oh, well, we made it fine. We found Collin and enjoyed some Theatre. Then it was off to get drunk. As Collin put it, "I'm wearing my 'drink beer' shoes. Notice how they are the shoes I wear everyday." Too long for MSN but not too long to Awayken.com. We found our first party with Susan Canton as our guide. We walked in, made introductions (she called Jeff by the name "Dave" which was weird), and then we watched 'Stealing Harvard.' Minute by minute people began leaving until it was only us and the girl who lived there. The girl, consequently, was asleep in her chair. We left quietly. The next party we went to was a little livlier. There were people drunk out on the sidewalk, even. This should be classy. We walked in to an attempt at swing dancing as Winamp (again, the geek's golden God) blared out a metal cover of a Rolling Stones song. There were chips in the "kitchen" and sprite in the fridge (score!) so I poured myself a drink and Jeff, Collin, and I discussed the finer points of blog authorship. Then some more people showed up. Then some left. Then the party began to slide down. It ended with XBox. Nothing is more depressing than watching girls try to play video games, but it's even worse when they try to play while intoxicated. The latest notch in the belt of my lameness came at Zimm Fest 2003. This was supposed to be the rockin' concert and social gathering of the semester. Of course, Zimmermann Hall was running it so you can guess how it turned out. No one showed up for two hours into it. The DJ played to a room full of people with "Staff" name tags on and no urge to dance and get groovy. At 9 the bands showed up. Punky Junior High kids with a bad full of power chords to let rip. You can tell a good band when they wear the shirts of OTHER bands while on stage. I wonder if Metallica does that... There were a lot of guitar and a lot of bass and a lot of drums. I really had no idea what they were saying. If you asked me what the song titles were, I had no idea. None. I can hardly name the bands themselves. I spent much of the night running the bar. This entailed making up how to make daquiris simply by adding ice, liquid, water, and blood. I guess that there's a way, a method, a form. After spilling six cups worth of strawberry flavored slush on my clothes and hands, I had about figured this damn process out. These nights went pretty well. Despite a ruined party, I usually had fun. Otherwise, why would I bother trying again? Well... now that I think of it. Why bother trying again? Oh wait, I remember. The chicks.