Hooo kids. My life has been one big, glowing ball of stress and nervousness. I have trouble eating; I have trouble sleeping. All I do is think about the situation. I fantasize about how I hope it will get better, and how I fear it will be worse. My thoughts, my actions, my mood is consumed by this thought. And I can fully blame it all on one person : John Harrington.
¿Que es John Harrington? John Harrington has been hailed as the “Bill Gates” of his time. He is the man personally responsible for constructing and designing the water closet. Water Closet is Brit Lang for toilet.
I hate my toilet.
Right now I don’t even want to SAY toilet, I am that angry. In our particular situation, our water closet companion has begun to wet himself. It started shortly after we got the house. We noticed that after we flushed, a peculiar wet stain would slowly creep out from underneath the base and cautiously make it’s way to the bathroom.
See, the good thing about carpet is that you can see exactly where the carpet soaked up the water. And if this had been linoleum, I probably would have slipped on the water and busted my head clean open. Oh, but I wouldn’t be dead. I’d just have an infection the rest of my life from the sewage water that entered my fractured skull as I lay there near-death. I could still lead a productive life, but I’d always hear people saying, “Why do you use that blue toilet bowl stuff in your hair?”
I hate those people.
It’s not enough for the Porcelain Chum to soak everything in his juices. He has to make sure things smell, too. Right now our bathroom is a step above smelling like a bum box, but it’s not far off. Actually, litter box is closer to the truth. The toilet leaks cat urine.
I hate cat piss. To sum up – I hate my toilet. I hate those people. I hate cat piss. They seem to do that, though. You buy one for the family. Everyone takes turns petting it to make it feel at home. You feed it regularly, and you pray to it, and you love it. Then it just freaks out and goes totally nuts. I mean, you saw this coming, but you never thought it would get this bad this fast. All you did was keep the door closed because there was a party going on. They hate the dark and your forget that. Now it’s leaking everywhere – and it knows where the knives are.
Maybe I got a little over dramatic about it. I just wanted things to be perfect. I needed things to work out. I love the toilet, I really do. I just don’t know how to tell it I love it. I gave it magazines. Good ones. Well, mostly computer ones, but I saved the best of the LIFE subscription I used to get and the TIME subscription my parents got and the NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC mags I stole from the library.
We’ll get this figured out soon. I know it. I can feel it. I will say this much, Jeff is going to make a call. Sometime soon – it’s going to be plumbing day, my friend, and you’re going to get the plumb.