Looks Great On You

I was eating cereal this morning and took a moment to read the back of the box. My current cereal of choice is “Kellogg’s Special K Red Berries”. It’s just like Special K (corn flakes genetically engineered to kill you from the inside out in the name of health) but they include these dehydrated strawberries in it.

I love strawberries. I love them like I love chinese food. If they were to make strawberry flavored rice or noodles or Orange Chicken, then I would never have any reason to eat any other food genre. As it is, my letters to China go unanswered as I plea for red berries from the red devil.

The back of this box had a woman crouching on a scale, staring at the reading, and smiling like she just found out she’s Miss America. Surrounding her is a series of numbered tiny paragraphs. The title for this list is “12 little things that can help you manage your weight!” If I were naming this, it would have been “12 disorder free tips to not be fat anymore!!” I would add that extra “!” just for kick. A kick in the fat. Kickin’ impossible.

1. Quick snack.
Try some cereal with yogurt for a quick, low-fat snack that’s good anytime. Remember to use Yoplay because other yogurts will chemically react with this cereal and cause complete blindness.

2. Thirst vs. hunger.
Many of us misinterpret thirst as hunger. Drinking plenty of water (an 8 oz. glass every 2 hours) wil help you keep from overeating. 8 ounces every 2 hours?! Holy crap! The person who drinks that much water is senile. No one drinks that much water. Of course you wouldn’t overeat – you can’t eat. You’re all bloated on water. When you go to eat, you realize you have to drink more water, and then you pass out from all the bloody water you’ve had to drink or your bladder explodes.

3. Avoid eating from the bag.
Don’t eat directly out of a bag or carton. Place a normal amount on a plate or in a bowl. This one is going to get them in trouble. Those poor construction workers. Their food comes in bags. There goes lunch, boys. And how do they define a normal amount? “Less than the entire bag or carton, please.”

4. Graze throughout the day.
Eating several small meals a day helps keep you blood sugar levels stable so you suffer fewer highs and lows. Carry healthy, low-fat snacks such as fruit and veggies to nibble on throughout the day. So, now they take it back. In between drinking water, make sure you snack on something. But whatever it is, put it in a bowl or on a plate first. Eating constantly, but only a little, and drinking after every thought will keep you from being manic-depressive. Your bloodsugar will flatline.

5. Mix it up.
Make your own low-fat trail mix with this cereal, pretzel sticks and lower-fat soy nuts or seeds. measure out single 1/2 cup servings and place into plastic bags. AhHA! “Place into plastic bags” violates rule number 3!! What’s going on here? I can see how they thought, “We say snack, but what can they snack on? Hell, our cereal and some fodder or pretzels.” No one was paying attention there. The plan is to confuse you into just eating their cereal for all your meals, in between the potty breaks of course.

6. Stay alert.
We are more likely to munch when we are bored or tired. So if you stay alert, at least then you will realize that you are snacking and bored and tired. Perfect plan, Kellogg’s.

7. Move it.
Walk whenever possible. Take the stairs instead of an elevator or escalator. Walk instead of driving short distances. Not only do they seek to improve your body, but they want to help the environment. Before, if the top of the escalator was too far a distance for you, you would just drive. Now they’re saying ‘no’ to both those options.

8. Clean it up.
Do at least three physical chores a day and reap the double rewards. At least three. Shovel the coal, clean the vomitorium, and rebuild the pyramid. Tomorrow you can maim the dog, kill the neighbors, and torture the rest. The rewards being only “reaped” if you’re not caught doing any of this.

9. Stretch it.
Get up, stretch and move often while sitting at a desk for a long time. It must be a desk. Sitting in a chair with nothing in front of it doesn’t count. Lying on the couch curled up in the fetal position does not require this stretch break. All those who are actually working must get up (in between water, snacking, and doing chores, etc) and stretch. Touch your toes if you can.

10. Avoid temptation.
Stock up on healthy and low-fat foods for your home. Limit or ban high-fat snack foods. This rule does not include drinking, smoking, sex, or high-fat non-snack foods. Romp free, my vicers.

11. Include this cereal.
A daily serving of this cereal can help you manage your weight without sacrificing taste. Oh, of course. THEIR cereal makes the list. It might have been better (at least from a comedy stand point) if they had said “Include Alphabits. Really, it’s actually extremely healthy. It will help you manage your weight without crucifying taste.”

and finally

12. Plan ahead.
Visit our website for great recipe ideas. What? I can go to Betty Crocker and get recipes. How is this a tip? “Visit our site” does not equal “Plan ahead.” That’s not planning ahead – that’s reaping popup rewards.

It’s amazing what they print on the back of cereal boxes. If I ever have my own cereal (Miles and Miles and Miles of Goodie Strawberries And Nothing Else) the back of the box is going to be my own list. “12 little things to read that have nothing to do with each other but I think they are positively the best ideas ever.”

Beat that, Mr. Kellogg.

[ cereal ]\[ humour ]

5 Replies to “Looks Great On You”

  1. why don’t you just put dehydrated strawberries on your chinese food? It’ll save you a lot in stamps and envelopes to China.

  2. I think this is uber-material, and that we should go through and revise it when I get back. The comedy is excellent in the first few, then it twindles off. I’d be happy to work on it with you, if you’re interested.

  3. Alright, so I read it and aside from the lies and misspellings, it was really funny. No twindling, all yummy yummy goodness.

Comments are closed.