Don’t Get On The Plane

There is an angry lady who lives on the way back from China Moon. She seems to have the quintessential “attitude problem”, if you can’t my meaning. She seems to automatically hate people who walk on her sidewalk, with little reason.

My first run in with this wonderful harbinger of ill will was on the way to China Moon. I was with my brother, Bryce, Tony Rolfes, Heather, Chris, and the three girls. The old lady’s house is next to a crick of the saddest execution. Lining her side of the guard rail is a rock bed and a few flowers. Bryce, Brigid, and I had stopped to watch the sad little stream. The lady thought that Brigid was standing on one of her flowers and began to yell at the three year old child. So, I pulled Brigid up onto the sidewalk and apologized.

The lady kept yelling. She started to say, “If her parents had taught her any manners…” Then Heather starts yelling, and Chris starts yelling. Brigid gets upset and asks me to hold her. The lady, faced with a sudden onslaught of parental instinct, retracted her statement. She now claimed that she had been yelling at Bryce.

Heather yelled something at the lady. The lady yelled back, “Why don’t you come here and say that?” My heart dropped. That’s the last thing you say to Heather. Luckily no blood was shed and no further angry words were spilt. We walked to Chinese and walked back another route.

Well, you might think what I did. I thought, “Maybe she was having a bad day and maybe the flowers are all she has because she’s barren and angry at God.” I had no way to validate this belief, though, until Brenna, my cousin, came to Madison.

We had gone to China Moon sans accident. As we were leaving, Brenna grabbed me a cookie. It had coconut in it. Thanks, but no thanks, I don’t like coconut. So, when we reached aforementioned crick, I tossed the cookie. The antagonizing old lady happened to be sitting watch for said aquatic mediocrity.

She began to yell at me for tossing trash into it. It was just a cookie. Cookies dissolve, if correctly baked. Brenna came to my rescue and began to verbally spar with her. The best about this was that we just kept walking the whole time. We didn’t stop and confront her. She was just an obstacle on the way. I didn’t say a word to her, being confused by her constant hateful behavior and her apparent inability to be amiable.

It was from that day on that I’ve walked by that house every chance I get. Why, you ask? I want to confront this lady. I want to shatter her and see her core. I want to know why she’s always player hating. I have long had time to fantasize about such a meeting of minds. I would imagine it to go something like this.

I (AN) would be walking back from China Moon, probably alone, and said Mistress of Miff (MM) would be out of doors.

MM: You college students. Drunks and amorals! All of you!

AN: (just stares at her through sunglasses)

MM: Get away from my house! I don’t want to have to call the cops.

AN: (removes sunglasses) Your flowers are all dying, Madam, for flowers require love which you seem to have not.

MM: What?

AN: Need I repeat my biddings?

MM: (taken aback) You are drunk, aren’t you?

AN: Nay, Madam. Presently neither drink nor smoke am I affected by.

MM: Well… only a drunk would say that. Get off my sidewalk.

AN: Thou has words red in anger. Pray tell, why for such a predisposition?

MM: That is none of your business. And quit talking like that!

AN: Speaking such belies a mistrust of such babble. Or is it an unfamiliarity of language?

MM: Are you calling me stupid?

AN: Nay! Said I the words ‘stupid’ or ‘idiot’ or ‘imbecile’? Thou must be an author to put such words in myne mouth.

MM: Look, I’m barren and that’s why I’m bitter because I’m angry at God.

AN: That’s what I thought. Good day and get happy or get lost.

And it would be that easy! Maybe her dialogue was a little contrived at times. And maybe I wouldn’t exactly talk like that, but it remains the same that I would rule her.

It appears, however, I won’t be able to walk that way with lucid dreams of such confrontation. Jeff said that it appears that she’s leaving. Indeed, on my way back from China Moon today, alone, I saw a large assortment of trash bags and boxes on the curb. Could this be the end of her reign of terror? One can hope. I hope she leaves her flowers.

[ humour ]/[ chinese ]

4 Replies to “Don’t Get On The Plane”

  1. I hate that lady. I’ve thought of such confrontations, only I just swear at her and kill a flower on my way out.
    Another good post Miles
    MM: Look, I’m barren and that’s why I’m bitter because I’m angry at God.

  2. i have heard the tales of the wicked witch. for as many times as i have trekked to the china cat ive never seen this ol bag. hopefully someday… she’d prolly shoot me with rock salt

  3. Wow, this is the first post that i am in. I was begining to think that my love for you was going unappreciated.

  4. Maybe someone should’ve explained to this lady that technically she doesn’t own that sidewalk. The city does.

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