Drinking Games (for people who don’t drink)

Well, college has begun again. With the onslaught of books and knowledge comes the onslaught of vomit and alcohol. It’s monsoon season. You can pick out what houses have parties going and which houses are actual people (not college students).

What if you don’t drink? A party is little fun if you are the only one sober and standing upright. What hope is there for people in AA? The drunks have their hand stands, their beer bongs, their lemon slices, their kegs, their tubes, their funnels, and their games.

Drinking games are a mystery among partygoers. Who came up with the first drinking game? Was it a person who was, indeed, drinking? Or did his sober friend, who wanted to mess him up quicker, come up with the idea, rules, and penalties? It is hard to believe the complexity of some of these games. Sober people couldn’t get this stuff right.

I have decided to cater to the minority. Are you a non-drinker but find yourself at parties anyway? Are you constantly pressured into playing their evil Satanic games? Then suggest your own drinking game.

How about a TV Show game? Try out “Gilligan’s Island.”

• Get your friends
• Get some alcohol (like beer or hooch)
• Turn the TV to ‘Gilligan’s Island’ (usually on Nick At Night)
• Drink whenever they get off the island!

Holy crap! I’m drunk just thinking about that game!

How about a musical version? Try the “Good Music, Bad Liver” game.

• Get your friends
• Get some alcohol (like whisky or vodka)
• Turn on the radio to the hottest pop station you can handle
• Drink whenever they play a good song!

That game was music to my ears!

Do you like to spell? Try “Alpha-better-get-out-of-the-way-I’m-gonna-hurl”.

• Get your friends (why haven’t you done this yet?)
• Get some alcohol (like brandy or gin)
• Get out a listing of the Alphabet

Um… that game needs work, yet.

Are you afraid about what your stuffy, old Roman-born religion has to say about what you do in your own home? Try “Massed Up” next Sunday.

• Get your friends and their parents
• You don’t even need your own alcohol
• Get up to the front of church
• Drink whenever the priest or Eucharistic minister says ‘Blood of Christ’!

Mmmm. Our Savior never tasted so refreshing. Get back in line for more!

There is even a drinking game for specific people!

• Get your rowdy friends on a Thursday night
• Get your alcohol (anything you care to swallow)
• Sit around Zimmermann hall
• Drink whenever you are Brian Rand!
• Optional: Destroy property!

Oh, boy. What fun! Now you can enjoy those parties just like a real lush. And if these don’t work, just leave. Then come back with the cops. You’ll never have to worry about those friends again.