God for Fun and Profit

[ satire ]/[ humour ]/[ religion ]/[ God ]

It has happened for ages. As long as there has been man, there has been God. As long as there has been God, there has been a long line of prophets and devoted who have used the name of God to affect change.

Moses, in the name of God, parted an entire sea. Joseph, in the name of God, ruled Egypt. Jesus, in the name of … himself, performed countless miracles none of which really stick out, just that there were tons of them, including the original “Fast for 40 odd days”, which was way more cool than David Blaine and his glass box.

The problem with using God’s name to do things is that it can get over the top. How many people have been taken in by Televangelists and Cultists who use such a powerful tool over us. Well, not me, but some of you are gullible.

The latest iteration of this fashion comes in the form of simple prayers. Anyone can write a prayer, but God doesn’t listen unless a priest or pastor writes it. A prayer by the pope is a surefire line straight to God himself. The people, however, don’t know this. Most “devoted” are completly unaware of the rating system that our Holy Father has put into place.

Because of this, most people end up saying tons of useless prayers. Little kids themselves are often tricked into “making one up”, under the guise that it is just like talking to a friend. God is not your friend; he is your ruler. Who’s your daddy? God’s your daddy.

I happened upon this prayer on the internet. It’s a prayer for a building project. This is an all too familiar trend in faux prayers. It is believed that if you want something bad enough, that a prayer will get it for you.

Prayer: Let us unite our hearts in faithful prayer. Prayer touches God’s hands and accomplishes great things for God. This is the first step for our building project.So far 103 brothers and sisters have pledged to join together in prayer. Continue to pray that the remaining brothers and sisters can overcome all difficulties and join us to pray for the church building project.Architects: Pray for the architects that we will select. Pray that we will enjoy a cooperative and helpful relationship throughout the designing and building phases.

Financial: Pray for the negotiation with the bank currently underway. The Bank is reviewing our financial status and the ability of our giving.

Building Committee Members: May God grant each member great wisdom to make the right decision for the church.

Design Fees: Pray that we can achieve the $300,000 needed this year for the architectural design.

Offering: May God grant us the willing heart and enable us to give joyfully to God for this project.

WHAT?? Yeah, like God’s gonna hear that. Pray all you want, guys, but deaf ears are those that God has… for this. They appear to have used the “divide and conquer” approach to bullying God. I’m sorry kids, but this prayer will never work.

If you’re gonna pray, do it right. Recall to his memory all the horrible things he did, Old Test, and use the guilt trip. Or talk about his son. “Would Jesus, oh Lord, have allowed us to perish so?” He hates it when you bring JC into it. Or, better yet, take the Catholic way out. Talk to Mary instead! Who has more say on God than his own mother?

Follow these tips and your prayers are sure to be answered. Write another “building project” prayer and prepare to feel my wrath. Seriously, I hate those things. And so does God.

[ satire ]/[ humour ]/[ religion ]/[ God ]

Author: Miles Rausch

I've made a smart playlist of all the songs with 0 plays. I listen to them because I feel bad for them not because I like the music. I'm THAT guy.

9 thoughts on “God for Fun and Profit”

  1. You wouldn’t wear the “Rape is not a laughing matter” shirt, but you’d write this.

    I liked the line, “Who’s your daddy? God’s your daddy”. That made me laugh.

  2. that was a good line.
    Miles, I hear you Loud and Clear. I know everyone out there will be shocked to hear this, but I dont’ pray the vocations prayer or building project prayers.
    I don’t want my church to bully me into joining the priesthood and screw building plans, maybe instead of praying about it like sissies you’d just go and raise the money without sounding like a freaking retard doing it. OH LORD!! WE need another building!!! With your help we’ll raise the money.!!
    RIGHT. Like he’s gonna come down from tropical warm HEAVEN to wash cars for $5 a car with the parish kids or bake some cookies with the old ladies. Cha…

  3. Why is praying TOGETHER for things so bad??? I thought the main idea of community prayers was to united the community!! Many voices makes a larger noise than 1 vioce and for my money, I’ll continue to pray for my Boys and my Girls, that they may realize the power of Prayer. May

  4. Abortions tickle!!! Not to the baby being sucked out, mutilated or acid washed… although knowing some people makes me wonder about if they should have been born….

    Miles remember growing up when you and Bryce would spout off… isn’t anything sacred. Maybe if people pryed open their billfold we wouldn’t have to pray for people to pay for things.

  5. Why is the Pope’s prayers more sacred then my own? Should we stop praying because our prayers are ranked lower then others or are apparently less holy?

  6. Yes. Besides why would God listen to you after all of the terrible things you’ve done/

    :) Think about it! :)

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