God for Fun and Profit

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[ satire ]/[ humour ]/[ reli­gion ]/[ God ]

It has hap­pened for ages. As long as there has been man, there has been God. As long as there has been God, there has been a long line of prophets and devoted who have used the name of God to affect change.

Moses, in the name of God, parted an entire sea. Joseph, in the name of God, ruled Egypt. Jesus, in the name of … him­self, per­formed count­less mir­a­cles none of which really stick out, just that there were tons of them, includ­ing the orig­i­nal “Fast for 40 odd days”, which was way more cool than David Blaine and his glass box.

The prob­lem with using God’s name to do things is that it can get over the top. How many peo­ple have been taken in by Tel­e­van­ge­lists and Cultists who use such a pow­er­ful tool over us. Well, not me, but some of you are gullible.

The lat­est iter­a­tion of this fash­ion comes in the form of sim­ple prayers. Any­one can write a prayer, but God doesn’t lis­ten unless a priest or pas­tor writes it. A prayer by the pope is a sure­fire line straight to God him­self. The peo­ple, how­ever, don’t know this. Most “devoted” are com­pletly unaware of the rat­ing sys­tem that our Holy Father has put into place.

Because of this, most peo­ple end up say­ing tons of use­less prayers. Lit­tle kids them­selves are often tricked into “mak­ing one up”, under the guise that it is just like talk­ing to a friend. God is not your friend; he is your ruler. Who’s your daddy? God’s your daddy.

I hap­pened upon this prayer on the inter­net. It’s a prayer for a build­ing project. This is an all too famil­iar trend in faux prayers. It is believed that if you want some­thing bad enough, that a prayer will get it for you.

Prayer: Let us unite our hearts in faith­ful prayer. Prayer touches God’s hands and accom­plishes great things for God. This is the first step for our build­ing project.So far 103 broth­ers and sis­ters have pledged to join together in prayer. Con­tinue to pray that the remain­ing broth­ers and sis­ters can over­come all dif­fi­cul­ties and join us to pray for the church build­ing project.Architects: Pray for the archi­tects that we will select. Pray that we will enjoy a coop­er­a­tive and help­ful rela­tion­ship through­out the design­ing and build­ing phases.

Finan­cial: Pray for the nego­ti­a­tion with the bank cur­rently under­way. The Bank is review­ing our finan­cial sta­tus and the abil­ity of our giving.

Build­ing Com­mit­tee Mem­bers: May God grant each mem­ber great wis­dom to make the right deci­sion for the church.

Design Fees: Pray that we can achieve the $300,000 needed this year for the archi­tec­tural design.

Offer­ing: May God grant us the will­ing heart and enable us to give joy­fully to God for this project.

WHAT?? Yeah, like God’s gonna hear that. Pray all you want, guys, but deaf ears are those that God has… for this. They appear to have used the “divide and con­quer” approach to bul­ly­ing God. I’m sorry kids, but this prayer will never work.

If you’re gonna pray, do it right. Recall to his mem­ory all the hor­ri­ble things he did, Old Test, and use the guilt trip. Or talk about his son. “Would Jesus, oh Lord, have allowed us to per­ish so?” He hates it when you bring JC into it. Or, bet­ter yet, take the Catholic way out. Talk to Mary instead! Who has more say on God than his own mother?

Fol­low these tips and your prayers are sure to be answered. Write another “build­ing project” prayer and pre­pare to feel my wrath. Seri­ously, I hate those things. And so does God.

[ satire ]/[ humour ]/[ reli­gion ]/[ God ]

9 thoughts on “God for Fun and Profit”

  1. You wouldn’t wear the “Rape is not a laugh­ing mat­ter” shirt, but you’d write this.

    I liked the line, “Who’s your daddy? God’s your daddy”. That made me laugh.

  2. that was a good line.
    Miles, I hear you Loud and Clear. I know every­one out there will be shocked to hear this, but I dont’ pray the voca­tions prayer or build­ing project prayers.
    I don’t want my church to bully me into join­ing the priest­hood and screw build­ing plans, maybe instead of pray­ing about it like sissies you’d just go and raise the money with­out sound­ing like a freak­ing retard doing it. OH LORD!! WE need another build­ing!!! With your help we’ll raise the money.!!
    RIGHT. Like he’s gonna come down from trop­i­cal warm HEAVEN to wash cars for $5 a car with the parish kids or bake some cook­ies with the old ladies. Cha…

  4. Why is pray­ing TOGETHER for things so bad??? I thought the main idea of com­mu­nity prayers was to united the com­mu­nity!! Many voices makes a larger noise than 1 vioce and for my money, I’ll con­tinue to pray for my Boys and my Girls, that they may real­ize the power of Prayer. May

  5. Abor­tions tickle!!! Not to the baby being sucked out, muti­lated or acid washed… although know­ing some peo­ple makes me won­der about if they should have been born.…

    Miles remem­ber grow­ing up when you and Bryce would spout off… isn’t any­thing sacred. Maybe if peo­ple pryed open their bill­fold we wouldn’t have to pray for peo­ple to pay for things.

  6. Why is the Pope’s prayers more sacred then my own? Should we stop pray­ing because our prayers are ranked lower then oth­ers or are appar­ently less holy?

  7. Yes. Besides why would God lis­ten to you after all of the ter­ri­ble things you’ve done/

    :) Think about it! :)