Man In Back

Ordinary people become extraordinary through their deaths. Two years ago on September 11th, just such a thing happened. A horrible tragedy brought courageous firemen and police officers to the same level as epic heroes.

Some people are extraordinary even before death, and this makes their death all the more important to society. These people are legends as men, but they become deities as corpses. Dirty, rotting corpses.

I’m talking about Johnny Cash’s death. I’m also talking about John Ritter. He was a great blah blah blah. For his outstanding services to cinema and television, John Ritter was given only a small sentence in Purgatory. Given recent attempts by Jehovah’s Witnesses to make it in, certain restrictions have been put on an entrance to Heaven.

As a measure of precaution, whenever someone graduates purgatory, they are made to interview with God, who questions them on their life. The following is an entrance interview between God and John Ritter.

God : [getting up to shake his hand] Hi John. How are you?
JR : I would pun one of the titles of my movies, but I really can’t remember anything I acted in.
God : [laughs] Yeah, I do. How was your stay in Purgatory?
JR : Uneventful, mostly. I didn’t mind it so much.
God : Let’s start. [rustles pages] Let’s discuss your movie career.
JR : Oh, God.
God : What was that?
JR : Umm… Oh, wait. Okay, I get it. Right. Uh… My movie career.
God : Right. I saw Problem Child. I liked it.
JR : Thank you.
God : What the hell were you thinking with sequels?
JR : Well, I didn’t write them. I just acted in them.
God : Just because you didn’t kill the kitten, doesn’t mean you didn’t rip the arms off of a smaller kitten and use those to beat the kitten.
JR : Oh My… I can’t believe you said that. That’s horrible!
God : Hey, you did it. You, Mr. Sick-Face. So… Three’s Company.
JR : Yeah.
God : [silence]
JR : Ok. I guess that wasn’t HTVs highest rated sitcom.
God : Lowest.
JR : Really?
God : Ever.
JR : It was funny.
God : [silence] [shrugs] Yeah, it was. And that Chrissy…
JR : Oh, no.
God : What?
JR : Please don’t.
God : I think we should talk about Chrissy.
JR: I don’t think we should.
God : I am God. [pause] Why shouldn’t we talk about Chrissy?
JR : Because I would feel uncomfortable getting an erection in Heaven.
God : Yeah, I would, too.
JR : You can… ?
God : [laughs] No. What are you? Stupid?
JR : Can we get to the issue at hand?
God : Allright. So, it says here that you crashed a burning bus of orphan children into a convent while screaming the foulest obsenities known in any language.
JR : What?
God : [frowning] That’s not true?
JR : No! I died of aortic dissection on the set of my new show.
God : No school bus?
JR : Of course not!
God : Oh. Well… good for you.
JR : [starts crying] This isn’t going well, is it?
God : You know what wasn’t going well?
JR : Please don’t ridicule me anymore. I just died. I’m still adjusting to that. You know how hard it is to go from being the top of the world to being six feet under it?
God : Do you know what it’s like to bury your son? No. You don’t. I do.
JR : I … I’m sorry.
God : I am God. [pause] Okay. That raps up our interview.
JR: Great. So, am I in?
God: We’ll let you know in 3 to 6 weeks.
JR: 3 to 6 weeks? Johnny Cash got to walk right in.
God: [silence] [raises eyebrow]
JR: 3 to 6 weeks. Got it.