Tyger Tyger Burning – Dear God Don’t Eat Me!

It’s happened to all of us. There we are at our birthday party. As a treat to those gathered, we get up to perform a routine of some sort, one which we have done a thousand times before. We sing or dance or juggle or set fires (whatever we are good at) but then something goes horribly wrong. Next thing we know we are in the intensive care unit in a Las Vegas hospital fighting for life.

This was the story last Friday. While I was quietly sitting at home reading the bible, one of this countries most famous and loved duos of magic became almost an uno. I am talking about Siegfried and Roy. Yes, the very same ambiguous couple where one has a name you can spell and has tigers and the other has a name I have to look up every time I type it and does magic.

Siggy and Roy were performing at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas for Roy’s 59th birthday party. During the midst of the show, at approximately 8:10 pm, Roy, whose real name is Roy Horn, walked on stage announcing that his tiger Montecore was about to make his first performance. This, however, was a lie (as most things in life are) since Montecore, whose real name is Jeremy Malchert, was a veteran of the stage. But then something went horribly wrong.

The 600 pound tiger sauntered on stage, acting drunk and unruly as his stage show requires, and stopped just within sight lines. Roy, having no magical ability, pulled the tiger to the center of the stage. The tiger, as his stage show does not require, head butted the entertainer. Roy, displeased with Montecore’s digression from the script, tapped him with his microphone. But then something went horribly wrong.

An eyewitness to the show reported that, “Then the tiger went like mad nuts. He stood up on his hind feet and decked that German guy. Then the tiger turned to the crowd and was all like ‘Now I will eat his soul’ and he chomped on his neck and carried him off. I was like, ‘Whoa! This show is awesome’ because I was sitting there for 40 minutes waiting for naked chicks to come out, and I get to gay guys with accents doing magic on tigers? What’s up with that?” Awayken.com was not able to validate this rendition of events.

The commonly held believe is that after Roy hit his tiger with his microphone (probably not a good idea), the tiger bit him in the arm. Roy, probably in a panic, started to beat the tiger with his microphone. Over and over the crowd could only hear the *thump* *thump* of microphone on fur, and the panicked screams of a German entertainer about to die. Then the tiger snatched Roy around the neck and carried him off “like a rag doll.” But then something went horribly wrong.

It was reported (by that same stoner above) that Siggy then “ran on stage, right, and floated that other guy’s body out into his space shuttle. It was unreal.” In reality, Roy was rushed to a hospital where his condition was reported as “critical”, and doctors were reported as being “cautiously optimistic.” The tiger was sent to his room with no internet privileges, and, as of yet, no charges have been filed. Montecore could not be reached for comment.

To be honest, readers, when I read the actual article, I laughed ROFL style, as befits the bad person I am. Honestly. How beautifully ironic can you get? He didn’t even do magic. All Roy did was find tigers and put them on stage. He was an animal trainer and his boyfriend did all the work. Still he is loved. Still he is written about.

The recent events have sparked a waterfall of interest in the general public. Everywhere on the street the words “Hi” and “Hello” are being spoken. If you replace those with “Roy” and “Dead” then you know how hard it is to have a conversation with people nowadays. But then something went horribly wrong.

Even the teenagers are getting into it. Being wholly responsible for making English more confusing, pre-teen/teen/only-slightly-post-teen students around America are coining the phrase “pull a Montecore” and “to Roy.” To “pull a Montecore” means to attack a friend as a 600 pound tiger might attack a gay German half-magician. Inversely, “to Roy” is to bear such an attack. “To Roy” is an infinitive so you could say, “Hey, Mom, quit Roying” or “President Bush just Royed that poem!”

The rest of the population is taking a more reverent approach, watching TV. The internet, too, has gained slight popularity as television strives to keep the nation abreast growing developments. It may one day be said that this event is what “made the internet”, but it is too soon to tell.

Despite the ordeal, Roy has still managed to communicate with doctors and family gathered in his room by a system of blinks and thumbs ups. Earlier today, he released this statement. “I have worked with these tigers for years. Montecore, himself, is one of my stage favorites. What has happened is a testament to the danger inherent in the field of fooling wild animals into not eating me. I do have this to say, though. I totally didn’t see that coming.”

Neither did us, Roy. Neither did us.

[ humour ]/[ tigers ]/[ roy ]

Author: Miles Rausch

I've made a smart playlist of all the songs with 0 plays. I listen to them because I feel bad for them not because I like the music. I'm THAT guy.

6 thoughts on “Tyger Tyger Burning – Dear God Don’t Eat Me!”

  1. Much Better then the Ritter thing.
    Then something went horribly wrong…

    I laughed and I felt myself becoming a worse and worse person as I enjoyed it more and more.

  2. *Waves Miles closer*
    Closer…
    *Keeps waving*
    … I want to tell you a secret…
    *waves Miles closer*

    *slaps Miles*

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