SPAM Explained

I normally don’t read spam emails. Unless they’re porn, I have no reason to open them. I mean… not porn. I mean… dmmt. I can usually tell that its spam just by reading the from and the subject line. Today, however, I got taken by one message (which I commend them on), and the other one was just for fun.

I was going to put up some coffee shop poetry I wrote yesterday, but I don’t want anyone to fall asleep! I know what the people really want and it’s not poetry! It’s comedy!! And so I’m going to try to write some comedy not stupid stupid poetry!!! Cuz poe tree iz da suxx0rs!!!!!

The first message I got was in my midco webmail. It had no reply name (they usually have some very upstanding, trustworthy name like Dina Wolff), but it did have an address: [email protected] I’ve heard of PayPal. PayPal is the only way most online comic writers can survive long enough to place their crude, 4th-wall-ignoring, rubber stamp comic characters out on the net.

I was ex-static. The subject line read: “Congratulations!”. I was so excited! I opened it up and I read this:

Your bill is attached to this mail.

What?? What bill? I didn’t buy anything with PayPal! What are they congratulating me for then? I was furious. Was someone out there pretending to be me? Worse yet, were they giving my money to worthless hacks who opened up a free account just in case their grandparents ever got the “interwebnet” finally “downlorded” onto their “seepeeyou”? Then I noticed that a zip file was attached. HuhHah! Caught! Only viruses attach zip files. The whole internet has become so scared of zip and exe files that no matter how many certifications you have as attachments, you can’t get the pope to open an emailed zip file. A quick visit to PayPal’s security site led me to believe that the truth was that I had been doped.

Then I checked my Yahoo! mail. This message was from [email protected] (now in my address book) and the subject line (which was very intriguing) read: Rauschpax, Want you see madness? (NPmNG). How could I not want see madness? And that cool secret code at the end? How could I pass that up? Plus, he used my real rocker name, Rauschpax. I had to open it.

I heard some people catch a helpless d0gs and other
animals, like h0rses, g0ats, sheeps and f-u-kk them. Recenlry i saw it…
They also make an extreemly s.e-ks.ual actions with an1malz!

They make an1-mals to l1ck w0man’s pooss1es and a-s.sh0les. W00men l1ke to play w1th d0g-s huuug-eee eerekted k0cks, they
mast00rbeit the1rselvez and must00rbat a d0g!!!

2 lessb1ans starv1ng for a-neem-al $eks came to stables and start to mus-tur-ba.te h0rse’z
1ncread1ably hooge and l0o0ng deek! 1t 1s reelly awe-some! They also leek hor-ze deek in cumm here

A mAn and a wu-mAn ffaa;k themselves and a dd0gy! Unusual S(E-(K(S trio!

We got TONS of piks hes and veedeos with aneemal-ffak-and-ssak-lovers!
A lot of fre_sh photoz are coming soon!

M_O_R_E…
For oonsubscript reasons write here:oonsubsribe me

zEWujjEhtijcOFi

Wow – that was madness. This email seems to be a combination of english, l337, and dutch. How do you oonsubscribe? What does it mean to leek? Why would two lesbians masturbate a male horse? The fact that the animals they catch to have their way with are helpless. Shouldn’t someone be emailing PETA about this? If I cared more, I probably would.

Some subject lines don’t even try to hide anything.

Suckled K. Voyage – Stupid Teen Swalloing Jizz

This was even condescending. Not only is this presumeably female teen swalloing jizz (whatever that is and whatever that is that she’s doing), but they have to make fun of her intelligence. That’s not necessary. Unless, maybe, her punishment for being so “stupid” is to swallo the jizz. Then maybe it’s okay.

dreammates – View photos of singles in YOUR area

As opposed to HIS area? I would have been more likely to read this email if it had said MY area. A conceited spammer is better than a fake spammer. I get this one often. I make sure to email every one, though, and tell them that I have a girlfriend and that her name is Megan and then I give them her email address.

King Stud- MEN: Make her beg for it

This one is good. I get this one alot, actually. They never tell you who she is or what to make her beg for. Maybe we’re making the stupid teen beg for a good grade, since she has to swallo jizz. Maybe.

There are the Vicodin emails.

vickie Boyes – Hydrocodone and Vicodin hospital

I get an email involving Vicodin every day. This one has a very simple inside.

Buy Meds at 80% off, $99 V1codin Special
Vic0din, Hydrocod0ne, C|al1s, V1agra, lev1tra, Lipitor,Xanax, and so much more.
V1sit Our Website
No Prior Pres.cription needed
No Appointments
No Waiting Rooms
No Embarassment
Private &Confidential
Discreet Packaging
HUGE SAVINGS

boiling ray bird cloth equal left knee fat division book answer property little development still bird before roll tall cloud move size bee humorice lip umbrella law possible and language growth bulb but language example horn for cheap burn on question old desire chance sort long prison farm picture milk leather chance roof wax wind peace fat island put fold fat any knowledge interest toe chest doubt direction sad sneeze development he grey/gray leather wave over grass paper thread will much get name quality sail military electric

Then there is the crap paragraph at the bottom. What the hell is that? Those words have nothing to do with each other! It’s so ridiculous. Maybe they made whoever wrote this swallo jizz first. Then I guess I forgive him.

But he should get his grades up soon and leave my inbox alone.

[ spam ]/[ jizz ]

Author: Miles Rausch

I've made a smart playlist of all the songs with 0 plays. I listen to them because I feel bad for them not because I like the music. I'm THAT guy.

2 thoughts on “SPAM Explained”

  1. Men are disgusting…pervs.

    Women liberation. Stand up for yourself girls.

    “How would they like a big cock in their face?” -Smoker’s (it’s a movie)

    Can’t there be a man out there that doesn’t smack my ass and talk about jizz?!

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