I blame Sweden. No, really. That’s where they come from – blondes. Their flowing, flaxon hair – golden like the sun. Yellow hair. The Swedes began their ethnic cleansing of brunettes, “darkies”, and redheads, “micks”, in the early 9th century. Soon after that there only remained the fairest few – it was golden.
This brand of female was reverred for its beautiful main of hair, tossed side to side either flippantly when flirtatious or masterfully when moistened. Poe himself wrote at least one poem about a girl with yellow hair. I remember reading it in junior english. That’s where I got the word flaxon. No, wait, it was halcyon. And I guess that has nothing to do with blondes.
They spread from there, the golden ones. The majority of them ended up in California. Even then, brunettes, ravens, and redheads all bleached their hair in an attempt to capture a shock of sunbeam. But why? What is this obsession with blondes?
Well, as we heard in popular culture soon after it all began, blondes have more fun. Is this true? I recently polled a bunch of people whom I made up, but I could say that I polled you guys instead, eh? In fact, even though it should appear at the top, I’m putting the poll right here.
Well… let’s assume that it came out with Blondes on top. Well, then you will be shocked to hear this: Blondes are turning Brunette! I know, I was shocked, too. My first experience was with Megan Flynn. Her friend dyed her hair black, and so she used some of the dye to make her hair brown. Blonde to brown. In a matter of minutes.
Then I began noticing a large number of females around DSU’s campus (which I guess isn’t that many) who were formerly blondes are currently brunettes. Megan and I naturally assumed that these girls were copying her. Because that’s what makes Megan feel better. Because it’s true, of course.
The last shock came upon my journey to Brookings this past weekend. I was traveling to, oddly enough, Brown Hall. I walk into the lobby and see a girl that I recognize. A girl who is also named Megan and also used to be a blonde and also is currently a brunette! !!! I almost turned around and left because I was obviously in bizarro Brown Hall.
What has brought this on? Apparently, our previous theory that MF was this huge trend setter was incorrect as it applied to the brunette situation. So, she still might be a big trend setter, but how could her trend reach as far as to people she’s never met? Either God is playing a cool little trick, or something else is going on here.
I’ve racked my brain for about 5 minutes (and believe me – I had a headache to begin with and still do) trying to come up with a funny way to end this. Boom!
You should watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Here is a particularly humourous exerpt from the episode Hypno-Germs.
Master Shake: You, sir. You’ve got a nice young lady with you. What’s your name?
Phil Cabinet: Phil Cabinet.
Master Shake: You precious little thing. Where you from, Phil?
Phil Cabinet: We’re from KILL YOURSELF.
Master Shake: Alright! Phil from KILL YOURSELF. And who’s this with you? Rarrrrr.
Phil Cabinet: This is my six month old and her name is WEAR A HAT MADE OUT OF FOIL. And this is my wife, LOCK YOURSELF IN A COLD, DARK ROOM.
Master Shake: How long you two lovely people been married?
Wife: Oh, about SMEAR YOURSELF WITH GARBAGE AND TRY TO CROSS THE FREEWAY.
Phil Cabinet: We just celebrated our EAT YOUR OWN DUNG.
Master Shake: Great to hear. Yummy, too. Hey, Phil, thanks for coming out. Like the shirt, both of you. You match!
Ok. Maybe you had to be there. I’m really stretching now. My head hurts so badly. Maybe that’s the depression leaving my brain, but I’ve never had so many severe headaches. It makes typing difficult. It makes writing funny posts very difficult. As you can probably tell. I got tons of set up – no finish. But at least I have my ATHF.