Suck, Suck Your Teenage Thumb / Toilet Trained and Dumb


Sometimes I wonder about the updates that developers push on us. In the current state of software and web development, everything is instant gratification. We can add lines of code and recompile in a second. What does it matter how well we write the code to begin with? We can recompile with no costs.

But, then, (inevitably) software is released that is buggy. Half of the PeopleSoft install is all patches and fixes. Installing the product means that you now have a broken set of code that is useless. In the words of every stereo-typed Rabbi, “I woke up for this?”

Even working on our own (screenshots) at Cresh, we must have created 90 different versions of beta 3 testing different image types, sizes, and colors. Now, none of that got released, and I’m sure all software development companies trade around working / half-working / demo / test versions of the software in various stages of completion as a means of testing and (ahem) gloating.

Typically, though, the software has to ship. That means the software has to be finished. Some projects, you just have to say, “Get it out of here,” or people would be working on it forever. And it ships with bugs that email hackers your passwords as you type them or erase all your fonts to leave only those three different versions of Wingdings. And while covering your computer in cryptic picture messages seems like a good idea, it’s not. In the words of every stereo-typed African American, “That is whack.”

Microsoft is notorous for having a buggy operating system. It seems to be the OS that we love to hate. We’re the laughing stock of the Apple community (but at least we have video games, you art nerds). With Windows XP came Windows Update. It, if everything goes right, sits there and waits for updates. Then a shield pops up and gives you a little balloon of instructions.

Mine will say, “You have updates. Click this balloon for more info.” So, I do. Up pops Windows Update Manager or something. And I click the download button, and then the manager goes away. And I sit there wondering, “What the hell did I just do?” Then another balloon pops up. And, tell you w’a’, I hate those little balloons. Most of them you click on them to make them go away. Microsoft balloons, however, have to be closed by clicking the “x” to make them go away. So, absent-mindedly, I click the balloon and the manager is back. Yea! But now my balloon is gone. I didn’t even read it. I minimize the manager. Which, seconds later, pops back up. “Done downloading, m’lord. Now I’m installing.” Ok, good. New ballooon, same fiasco. When the balloon, manager, and I get done grappling for power, the manager pops back up. “Done installing m’lord, but now you have to restart.”

No. I really don’t. What did you do to my computer that we have to start over?? Or do you just fancy the boot screen? Trust me, she’s real. No custom job on that. But yeah, I now have to close everything and restart. I can just click the “Remind later” button, but Microsoft’s patent on “later” is defined as being equal to or less than 2 minutes, tops. In the words of every stereo-typed indie, emo, artrock, coffee-house, ipod wearing, poetry weeping goth wannabe, “But I don’t wanna! No one understands … my pain!”

I restart. I’m curious as to what Microsoft is putting on my system. Well, tonight, after joining up with Microsoft’s Genuine Advantage program, I discovered that the much-needed necessary updates are two KB (KB stands for “Kuarter Back” for you sports-dumb idiot retards out there) updates and, of course, French Spelling Checker and Thesaurus. That one was really getting me. It kept saying that “meurtre avec une hache” was not a real French frase, and I distinctly remember typing it into Babel Fish Translation.

*sigh* I guess to calm down I could write in the new multi-author blog on Or I could make custom graphics for it! Or I could go to bed and dream about casting spells on people who park poorly at work. In the words of every stereo-typed scar-tissued, messy-haired boy wizard, “Silencio!

When the power runs out / We’ll just hum.