Bath and Body Quirks

The Greggs
The Greggs, originally uploaded by m!les.

I suppose one of the stressful rights-of-passage for a new couple is the meeting of the families. I can’t recall a single girlfriend I’ve had where the thought of meeting her family didn’t make break out in a cold sweat. You know the kind. That type of cold sweat I’ve come to associate with influenza and hearing Chuck Norris‘s footsteps.

For the record, when I write about myself possessing something, I write “Miles’s thing”, not “Miles’ thing”. Just like I would say, “Holli’s Comedy Bytes shirt“.

So, it was this very cold sweat that I encountered when Holli called me on Saturday afternoon. We were going to eat with her parents in Sioux Falls at 5:00. That gave me plenty of time. But first, we had to visit Minerva Driscoll. Minerva is an interesting woman. She is the secretary for East Hall, and to look at her, she appears sweet-tempered, kindly, even quiet, perhaps. As it turns out, she’s a smoking, swearing, gruff, tell-it-like-it-is kind of woman. I like Minerva; she’s a character.

Holli and I were meeting with her to hash out the second attempt at a fundraiser with her. We managed to raise over $60 this fall, and we were deciding what worked and what we should scrap. She has a sort of Bath and Body Works business going. We approached her on behalf of her candles, but it soon became apparent that lotions, sprays, and washes were the way to go. That is why the new MD Designs Fundraiser has no real candles in it. Bold, I know. We managed to come to a reasonable set of conclusions. Once done we walked back to my apartment, got a quick psuedo-lunch, and watched some Beatles.

I was nervous, as I said above. I’ve met her parents and sister, but I haven’t interacted with them, per se. I mean, sure I have friends, and my family seems to like me, but I think that’s mostly because I have such a cool website. And, yeah, her parents have seen the website, and they probably love it, but who doesn’t? Her mom even once said that the only way she gets to Holli’s page is through mine. That’s understandable, but it’s unfair to hold me up to the Awayken/ standard. That, and I didn’t have my tablet around with a browser open to the page.

I was down to my wits. No, not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter, guys.

Anyway, we drove down to Sioux Falls. The plan was to meet them at Perkins. You know, the green place. We got there, and her family wasn’t. So that meant waiting. Waiting as if a blade to fall upon my neck. Okay, now I’m being dramatic. Then they showed up. They parked right next to Holli, actually. First was her little sister, Marissa. Then were the parents, Larry and Carol. The greeting is always a toss-up. I mean, my parents have taken to hugging Holli right away, but Holli is a girl, and my parents love to touch people. Should I expect the same from Holli’s parents? How should I react? What if the hug is too long? But I had no time to think on these. Her dad came at me, hand extended, smiling, saying, “Miles, nice to see you again.” We shook hands. The hate was palpable. Her mom, likewise, extended her hand in greeting. Okay. The decided the hug thing. First social obstacle successfully tackled.

Then we were seated non-smoking. Actually, non-smoking pretty near the door, so it shanted a long walk. (I’m making up words now). The awful thing about eating with people, at least people who are paying for you, is determining what is an acceptible cost for your food. I was sitting by Holli, so I tried to use her meal as a guide, but she got the french toast which was way below any of the supper items I was looking at. Then Vance, our waitor, returned. He reminded me a bit of Toby, from The Office, plus some working out. I panicked and ordered a cheese burger, afterwhich it occured to me that I had had a cheese burger the night before. Two of them, actually.

From then on I just tried to not sound retar- stupid. I tried to toss in a joke or two where appropriate. For instance, Holli mentioned that she has lifts in every shoe but her shower shoes. And Marissa said, “You wear shoes to the shower?” And Carol said, “Oh, yeah. You want to in college.” And I said, “Otherwise you get STDs.” Thankfully everyone got it and laughed. I was worried that it wouldn’t go over so well, but it took off like a free chicken. Carol mentioned that they weren’t ignoring me by not talking to me, but they had a lot to catch Holli up on. It was fine by me, as the less I said, the fewer occassions for misspeaking.

I don’t know if you know this, but Holli has a hiccup-thing that happens. It kinda sounds like she’s saying, “HI!”, but she’s not. It turns out that Marissa has this, too. It’s, like, a family thing, I guess. My family thing is no ice. So, I was scooping what ended up being an entire 12 oz glass’s worth of ice when Carol asked Holli, “What is your boyfriend doing?” Well, I almost made it the entire time without being odd. I explained my sensitive teeth, and Carol explained that she used Sensodyne, and it really helped. Then, for no reason, her sensitive teeth left, and she didn’t need Sensodyne anymore. I am still unclear, however, as to whether Sensodyne was a treatment or cure.

Then, both Marissa and Holli needed new shoes. Shoes, right? Whatever. Girls love shoes. Then we headed back. I called David to see where he actually was this weekend, and it turned out that he was in Marshall (that’s right! I forgot) with Bryce and others. It also turned out that we would not be having an Arrested Sunday. It was okay. I already spend my nights crying; what’s one more tear?

Speaking of tears, have you ever noticed that Joan Cusack usually looks like she’s about to cry? Holli thought that was due to her having puffy eyes, but I think it’s because she’s ugly and sees herself in a mirror regularly (and thus wants to cry). So, we came up with a code phrase to say when we think someone is Joan Cusack ugly. I know, it’s not nice, but it’s hilarious. I won’t tell you guys the phrase because there might be some uggos (as we call them) reading the site right this minute.

Yes. I mean you.

Author: Miles Rausch

I've made a smart playlist of all the songs with 0 plays. I listen to them because I feel bad for them not because I like the music. I'm THAT guy.

12 thoughts on “Bath and Body Quirks”

  1. Oh my, i think i get twice an many laughs from your posts by using the “listen to this post option.” It takes a while, but i don’t see myself ever reading your posts again. Yeah for lazy people!

  2. So you mentioned our no ice thing. and actually since winter break, maybe even the summer, i have started putting coke on ice, i think the water (ice) makes the coke taste a lil different and i have grown to like it.
    but as i read your post and had my cola on ice and read about your sensitive teeth i was like, “hey, I have sensitive teeth” and then i drank another drink and my teeth hurt. Snap.
    Sensodyne wouldn’t work for me. I got metal teeth. I’m like Master P.

  3. You should have included the part where my parents argued about whether or not Sensodyne solved the problem or if the problem solved itself and mom just stopped using it. And then it turned out they weren’t really arguing, mom was arguing the same thing as dad…just in a more confusing way.

  4. “the pop is already cold when you get it from the fountain”…TRUE..there is a “cold plate” that the pop runs through while it is being dispenced. Trust me I loaded loaded Pepsi trucks for 3 years.

  5. For the first week of school i didnt have shower shoes and i aquired 6 different types of STD’s. It sucked. Then i went to good ole’ Wal Mart and picked some up for $1. Dont make fun of uggos like me. I cant help it.

  6. “Dynamic Engineering, HA! Just a fancy word for Wal Mart facing boy!” Now that hurts. I was a faacing boy once, only cause i was in school and needed the money.

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