Mollywood

It's better than Hollywood, it's Mollywood

Relapse

29. July 2012 | Kategorie Uncategorized

I am always striving to be more. Every since I can remember, I have always been comparing myself to the people around me and compiling elements I think will improve me for the better. These improvements involve both physical and emotional improvements. Whether the changes, it is never easy. What makes it even harder is those far to often moments when I become weak. When I relapse…

Last summer, I worked so hard to lose the extra weight I collected while Tyler and I were dating. I had oatmeal for breakfast, a salad for lunch, no soda pop, exercised five times a week and ate very little fast food. The 30 pounds came off in just a matter of months. It was pretty easy to change when I was feeling so miserable and so sad. My world was completely shaken and I was starting from scratch anyway. But then school started. With football and the crazy hours, I relapsed my no pop rule. My second semester came and I had a lot more free time, which lead to diet relapses. Then after graduation, my closest friends leaving and summer, I again had a relapse with exercising. All these physical relapses led to weight gain, the ultimate relapse. Apart from a friend telling me I had child bearing hips, I don’t think many people have noticed. Then again, they don’t see me in my most vulnerable state either.

I have been struggling with my weight and the way I see my body flaws since I was in the fourth grade. It was the first time I was ever called fat by someone. That is when I started comparing myself to the people around me. I can remember that it was in the winter of my fourth grade year. It was the year we had a lot of snow days and it was too cold for my sister and I to go outside and play most days. We would sneak into the kitchen and steal the granola bars and fruit snacks that were usually saved as an after school snack. Mom only allowed Brenna and I to have one a day. My favorite was the oatmeal cream pie cookies. Not the homemade cookies, but the soft Little Debbie brand. Brenna and I would take handfuls into my parents bedroom and we would sit on my parent’s bed and watch tv all day. Winter started to pass and my weight was noticed by a classmate. You know the rest.

All these relapses then led to an emotional relapse. Out of all the changes I have made in the last year, the hardest was getting happy again or at least staying happy. The hardest part was not isolating myself. If there is one trend in the way my friends have described me to myself, it is that they all have said that I wear my heart on my sleeve. They tell me I don’t hold back, which is why I get so hurt so fast. I always put my whole self out there. The biggest change has been feeling again. The biggest change I had to make was to un-numb myself. And for a while, I was able to do that. School had started and I was surrounded by great friends. With happiness, I relapse about as often as I relapse with soda pop (which I drink very often). When I am alone, I usually have a breakdown. My friends have always been good about shifting my focus, but its summer now and everyone is gone.

All these moments of weakness are overwhelming. I feel like I am failing myself over and over again, because I am not being my best or happiest me. I burden people around me with these internal struggles, which isn’t fair to the people around me. I should enrich people’s lives, not burden them. I feel like these relapses should just be my internal fight for improvement, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t have a poker face. And I don’t know where I went wrong or how to stop the relapses. The hurdles are higher this summer and my short comings are harder to get past. So what do I do? What changed?

I guess to be vague, life changed. The difference between this summer and last summer is that now I have a lack of motivation. I am sad again. I miss my friends and don’t understand why they had to move to places like Montana and Texas and Ohio or why the USA has to be so damn big. Last summer, I looked forward to school. I was motivated to get back on my feet because I had so much to look forward to. I had my old friends coming back, athletic training rotations, and old roommates. This year, I am done with all my rotations and my friends aren’t coming back, which leads to disappointment in myself and the school year. I had this unrealistic expectation of the future because this year was pretty great. I got my hopes up too high and got knocked down. Every time I get back on my feet and start being optimistic again, I relapse and get knocked back down. I can take a hit. That’s life. It is full of ups and downs. But I have been getting knocked down pretty often lately and it’s taking its toll. I get up slower and slower. I am fatigued by the fight. I question why I get back up. I know I am strong, but in this clouded closeness with myself I can’t see that. I just see my weaknesses. I just see my relapses.

So how do I block the knock downs so I can recharge? How do I gain clarity? How do I find motivation? How do I get my fight back? I am a stubborn German and feisty Irishwomen for crying-out-loud and my friends and family may be spread all over, but they are always there for me. I just need to be there for them again.

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Down the home stretch

27. July 2011 | Kategorie Uncategorized

I considered writing this post in poem form, but that seemed like a lot of work. For the last couple months, I have started my weight loss journey. Through my long (cough) dating life, I have noticed certain changes in my behavior. Apart from being happier and kind of MIA around my family, I also tend to put on some weight. It doesn’t help that most of dating is going out to eat and watching movies. I try and make it fun by biking, going to the lake, snowboarding, but you can’t do that all the time.

I started dating Tyler right at the end of high school. I weighed 135 about with I graduated. At the end of my relationship I was at a steady 156 average. So with being single now, I am trying to be healthier and happier. I have been so unhappy with the way I looked for so long and with every pound I feel better. I just remember Tyler saying over and over that he didn’t want to be with a fat girl, so every pound I gained came with worry of crossing the line for acceptable to fat.

With the depression, I ate….a lot. It didn’t make me feel better, just worse. I think I did it to fill a void, only the void wasn’t in my stomach. It wasn’t until I was single that I realized that though. I made the switch. I was done being unhappy with my body and I was going to change it. I got a job that requires me to workout 5 times a week which was a good start. I then switched pop for water. I always drank diet pop, but water was a much healthier choice. Then I cut out snacking between meals and when I did I had fruit and veggies to choose from. Then I started eating oatmeal for breakfast and a salad for lunch. When you list all these changes out together it seems like a lot, but I did it gradually. I would tackle one change and when I was use to it, I changed the next thing.

Currently, I am at 145.8 pounds. I am happier, but sometimes when I look in the mirror I don’t see any difference. I notice some clothes feel a little looser, but its hard to tell. I would like to be at 139 or below when the summer is over. Harder than that will be keeping these changes up once classes and athletic training duties start. I need to just find an hour somewhere to I can run and shower. I just don’t wanna fall into that depression again and gain the weight back. I want to be healthy.

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Still Healing

27. June 2011 | Kategorie Uncategorized

Time moves on ever so slow,

At times I feel high, but still plenty of lows.

Contradictions fill my life, making it hard to get up and go.

I’m restless, yet tired, my inner struggle really shows.

 

In sleep, I am surrounded with wonders of the past,

But upon walking, reality sets in way too fast.

My heart is broken and unprotected by a cast.

I am left to wonder how much longer this can last?

 

Needing my two best friends to be there for me.

One is far away, acting to cool for the BSC,

The other; happily married, within her pod is a new pea.

I’m alone, self-conscience, and full with envy.

 

I have tried many things to help with the hurt.

Retail therapy left me with nothing, except a couple new tee shirts,

And the outcome that resulted from drinking is just overt.

From this path of pain and problems I need to soon divert.

 

These layers of healing I will continue to peel,

Until nothing but happiness is all I should feel.

Until then I move forward step by step, meal by meal.

Everyday stepping over hurdles that help me heal.

 

-Molly Rausch

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Only Rain

30. April 2011 | Kategorie Uncategorized

As I watch the rain run down my window,

It reminds me of the love I use to know.

My eyes fill with tears, as the memories flow,

About how much more our relationship was suppose to grow.

 

I long for his embrace,

And seeing the smile on his face.

I miss the way my heart would race

To keep up with his life’s pace.

 

Now I sit alone, listening to the storm outside,

Wishing, in him, I still could confide.

Longing to be with him, always by his side,

I am left forgotten, on a road without a guide.

 

Anger, confusions, sadness, and pain,

All these feelings bound together in an endless chain.

Feel like life is quite mundane,

Without him, I am just stuck listening to the rain.

 

-Molly Rausch

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Rudy (the Remake)

15. March 2010 | Kategorie Uncategorized

I just want everyone reading this to take a moment and picture the scenes from the movie loved by all (even if they don’t know it yet) entitled Rudy. Picture the scenes that make you laugh, the ones that make you angry, even they ones that make you cry. Remember the joy of seeing Rudy’s dad’s face when his boy final got to play. Image being in Rudy’s spot and constantly being told that he just wasn’t good enough and then finally getting the chance he worked so hard for. Just let the totally awesomeness of that whole movie soak in.

Now I want you to forget all about Rudy the “original” or “classic”, because this is something almost completely different. One day Rudy (the Remake) is going to be a movie about, yes, you guessed it, me. Why you ask? Because I am in Rugby club now! Yes, the producers of the new film will have to trade football for rugby, men for women, Notre Dame for SDSU, and talent for who knows what, but the concept is loosely the same. I am someone who is too little to do a lot of things, like reach the top shelf in any store, but I am really stubborn and by gosh am IN that Rugby club.

I do have a long and bruised road ahead of me, but I am so completely excited. I have already gone to my first practice and am still alive AND still in the club. That’s right. They haven’t kicked me out. Yet. I have already gotten a floor burn from practicing in a gym for my first practice, a bruised thigh from getting stepped on while in the bottom of the ruck, and a little bit of a black eye from getting elbowed in the face while practicing the defensive drills. I say a “little bit of a black eye” because its more like my upper cheek and only spreads up toward my eye. No biggy, just call me hard core. On Tuesday, we are having our first outdoor practice, which means I am going to be really cold and muddy, but still totally optimistic.

I am slowly getting the rules and concepts down and have done some extensive research. By extensive I mean, I googled rugby and looked at some videos on youtube. It should be really fun though. I have all the equipment I need currently. All I need to do is pay my club due and it is totally official! The best part will be playing other clubs in the area. I know, we actually get to play other teams, how cool. I hope I get play time! But if I want this movie thing to pan out maybe I don’t want play time, so that when I finally do it will make for a better movie. No, I want the play time. The writers can just exaggerate the plot a little.

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Never Ending Stresses

10. February 2010 | Kategorie Uncategorized

The second semester of my sophomore year of college is just beginning and the stresses are almost instantaneous. For me, school has always been about having to get all A’s and being an overachiever. For me, school and I have always had a bitter sweet relationship. I really like school and it usually has not been too hard for me, but every semester the stresses just grind at me more and more. This semester I am in Biology, Anatomy, and Chemisty. They are all pretty difficult and contain their own personal stresses.

I have already taken this Biology last year, but it didn’t transfer over for USD to SDSU (long story, pretty much all taken care of). So I am taking it again and hoping that I will do better and that it will raise my GPA. In my mind, this bio class is an unneeded stress, but a stress none the less. I should have just dropped it at the beginning of the semester and then petitioned the school for a course equivalent and taken an easier class in its place. The main reason I did not do that is because I am pretty much done with my generals and didn’t want to take a “suppose to be slack” class and actually have it be very difficult. I am also scared that the courses will not be the exact same and then I will miss out on needed information.

Chemistry is another big class. Professor Jay Shore is a really smart guy and his classes tend to be more difficult. I have the resources to do well in this class so I am not as stressed about it as I am with my others, but I still want to do well in it. For me, the hardest thing about chemistry is that there is no lab to bump lecture test grades up. Chemistry lab counts as a separate class so it will not help me with my lecture tests. I am not the strongest test taker. I think it is because I over think so many things and then second guess myself. With those kind of problems, who wouldn’t be stressing about chemistry?

Anatomy is the last big lecture class and the most stressful. I want to be an Athletic Trainer and Physical Therapist so anatomy is a class that I really really need to do well in. I think because I know how crucial this class is to my future, I am stressing myself out way more that usual. If I can’t do well in this class, graduate schools will never look twice at my application. If I can’t do well, I will never get accepted into the athletic training program. I know I will be a treat athletic trainer and physical therapist, but there are certain requirements.

Some days I wish I was one of those majors were all you had to do was pass with an C and graduate. I just keep hearing mom in my head saying that I need a 4.0 to get accepted to grad school. It is not like my gpa is bad. I mean I have a 3.7 but one bad grade could really change all that.

I am confident though. If I don’t get accepted into the athletic training program this year, there is always next year. If I don’t get accepted to graduate school, I can retake classes and reapply. So it wouldn’t be the end of the world to do poorly and have to re track some steps, but it would be a lot better for my bank account and mental well being if I just do well the first time. I know I am not the first person to go through stresses like this, but why do I feel so alone right now? I just feel like I am in the deep end and don’t know how to swim.

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Happy 2nd Anniversary!!

29. January 2010 | Kategorie Uncategorized

I know this is a little belated, but happy anniversary Miles and Holli!

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Ghosts of Surgery Past

27. January 2010 | Kategorie Uncategorized

A year ago in April, I had a minor surgery on my wrist. These are the pictures of the cyst, pictures during recovery, and what it currently looks like!

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Impossible Mission

19. November 2009 | Kategorie Uncategorized

A couple of years ago, I received a very nice Christmas gift from my best friend Annie. It was a John and a Paul action figure. Every now and then I think about how cool it would be to have a complete group.

It wasn’t until very recently that I started searching for George and Ringo. I guess I was hoping to get George and Ringo from Annie for my birthday or the following Christmas, but, since a couple birthdays and Christmases have gone by, I think it is safe to assume that I am going to have to purchase George and Ringo on my own.

I never expected to have any trouble finding George or Ringo, but I was very wrong. Annie got John and Paul for like ten dollars. I wish I could be that lucky with George and Ringo. Through extensive searching I have found George for the reasonable price of a little over twenty dollars on Amazon.

If you search for Ringo on Amazon, nothing. If you search for Ringo on eBay, nothing. I have been lucky enough to find the whole gang together, but the cost of that was almost one hundred and fifty dollars. I finally just did a broad google search for Ringo. I found him in stock on one website for about eighty dollars and on another for about seventy. One site I found him for a wonderful price of twenty-five dollars, but, alas, he was sold out. Every website that had Ringo for a good price, was sold out.

What is the cause of this anomaly? Well one hypothesis I have heard was that Ringo cannot be found, because no one likes Ringo. That is very plausible, but I have another hypothesis. I think Ringo is just so popular, that he is sold out everywhere. I think the makers purposely didn’t make enough Ringos to drive people like me crazy.

Now I am faced with a dilemma. Do I by Ringo for a ridiculous price and just ignore the amount of money I wasted buying him? Do I buy the group of four and try and sell the John and Paul I have grown to love? Do I just live with the fact that all I will have is Paul and John? I mean how fair is that to Paul? John is dead! And what about John? He is dead! If I was able to get Ringo and George, the whole gang would be happy! Paul would have a live Beatles to talk to and John would have George as a dead buddy!

For now, Paul and John and my Mr. Bubble bottle are just going to have to keep each other company until I either inherit enough money to pay for school and ridiculously priced merchandise, or have the rest of the gang magically given to me.

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Deep Thinking

3. August 2009 | Kategorie Uncategorized

Some days I feel like a corn plant in a bean field, tall and above the world. But most days I feel like a bean plant in a corn field.

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Summer Fun

14. June 2009 | Kategorie Uncategorized

Well summer vaction has been going strong for about a month now and holy cats have I been busy. I got done with my last final on Wednesday and I started work that next Monday. I passed my CNA test and got the job at the Nursing home in Ortonville and it has been going well.

I am also helping out with fine arts again, when I am not working. The theme this year is Around the world! All the plays are different folk tales from around the world and the songs we picked are from different areas as well. The opening song is a remix of It’s a Small World, which is the worst song in the world, but it was too perfect to not use.

If you don’t know this already, my dad, Bryce and I are all going to run in the Twin Cities Marathon together in October, so dad and I have been training and what not. I ran a little over eight miles today and other than the blisters on my feet, it was ok. Next week I will be running 11, so hopefully I am healed by then.

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To Miles and Dan

28. February 2009 | Kategorie Uncategorized

Happy Birthday! and yes it is today!

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Oh Brenna

7. February 2009 | Kategorie Uncategorized

Since I was the only one of her siblings that wished you a happy birthday in person, I feel the need to offically state that yes I am your favorite!

Have a happy day of your birth! Thanks for not dying yet.

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Winter Vacation

12. January 2009 | Kategorie Uncategorized

With only a few days left of my winter break, I figured it was time for an update. Winter break offically started on December 19th. I had my finals the whole week before that, but it was a surprisingly unstressful week. The only test I really stressed about that my bio exam. It wasn’t comprehensive which made it a lot less stressful, but I was still a little stressed about it. I did well on all of my exams which was a real relief. On the 19th, my last final was over by 8 am so I packed up and did some christmas shopping in Sioux Falls before Tyler and Jon met me. We ate some lunch, ran some errands and then we headed to Dear Mountain so Tyler could try and teach Jon and I how to snowboard. It was a pretty long teaching, slow learners you know, but it was really fun.

The next big event was Christmas eve and Christmas day. My family and I spent Christmas eve at Grandma Rausch’s house like always. It was a night full of songs, great food, and wonderful family time. Then the Val Rausch’s headed home and opened the rest of the presents. (Bryce and Linds were there in voice and spirit.) The next morning everyone went to church and got ready to make our annual trip to Sioux Falls. Instead of going with the rest of my family, I drove over to Corona, SD and had Christmas dinner with Tyler’s family. From there Tyler drove to Sioux Falls and we carried on with the Miles side usual festivities.

The day after Christmas is usually a shopping day, but this year was a little different. Tyler and I spent it driving to Spearfish. His family’s tradition is going skiing/snowboarding (thus the lessons) the day after Christmas. It was really fun. We were out there for four days. The first and last were spent on the road. The second day was snowboarding from nine to 3ish. We also visited the Ugly Horse in Deadwood and ate some taste pizza there. The rest of the night was very quite, full of lots of z’s. The next morning, day 3, was like a usual Sunday morning for me, church then brunch you know. We spent the rest of the day in Deadwood being tourist and watching Tyler’s cousin, Ben, lose his money on slot machines. We were in the number 10 saloon to see the 4th quarter of the Vikings game. They won by a point and qualified for the playoffs!

For New Year’s eve I went over to Tyler’s house and we watched Eagle eye. In my opinion, it was a really great movie. Brenna had a bunch of girls spending the night, so when I got there the house was still pretty active.

The rest of vaction was spent doing a variety of different activeties. I went sledding and snowmobiling with Tyler. I did house work for Dad. I also spend a lot of time with nothing to do. Now I am spending my final days packing and getting ready to go back to school. Hopefully the plan is to get almost everything ready to go today, tomorrow go to Pierre and see Dad get sworn in, and then on Wednesday head to school. Because of the snow, my family and I might not be able to make it to the swearing in,sad!

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Happy New Year

1. January 2009 | Kategorie Uncategorized

*tear* Goodbye 2008. *cheers* Hello unknown 2009. Bring it on.

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Months at USD

27. October 2008 | Kategorie Uncategorized

I may sound like a broken record with the whole “sorry I haven’t posted in a while” phrase, but I am going to say it again. Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I have been at school for a while now and holy cow a lot has happened. I moved in on Labor Day weekend with the help of my mother and Annie. We had a lot of help which was nice since I am on the fourth floor.

I met my roommate and she was really nice, but guess what? She dropped out of school, so I am roommate less, and it is lonely. I got back from our first long weekend and she was gone, she had texted me saying she was leaving and I haven’t seen her since. My room looked so empty and sad without her there. In order to fill the empty part of her room, I put my extra blanket and pillow on her bed and my friend Hannah and I mad a fort out of her bed. Hannah and I also went to Walmart and got some nerf guns, and we fill our spare time with shooting innocent people who pass by in the hall.

The good thing about¬† my roommate leaving is that she only brought the TV, so I didn’t have to freak out when she left with all of her stuff. But I have no TV, which isn’t all bad because I have been able to get up to speed on all the eposides of Lost. Hey Miles, your a very lost thanksgiving Newbleep, makes perfect sence now, haha. So that is what else I do in my spare time.

I have also gotten some girls together for a 3 on 3 intermeral team, which should be fun. Our first game is on Thursday at 7 and 730 and I am nervous/excited. I haven’t shot a basketball since this summer so, um, it will be interesting. Oh and I am not the shortest girl on the team!! I found a girl on my floor shorter than me! It’s a miracle.

Lastly, I have had midterms which was stressful beyond belief, but I survived. I got above 100% on my math exam which is awesome and I got almost a b on my bio lab test, and the others I don’t know yet so I will just asume I got A’s, which is probably far (not far far but far) from the truth. I am 99% positive that I passed all of them and 90% sure that I at least got a B on them. I studied more than I have ever studied, which isn’t saying a whole lot, but it’s still a fact. So that is my college life so far. Now that I don’t have a TV, i might even post more, but I wouldn’t set your life around it, Bryce, haha because you might be disappointed. I will try my hardest though.

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Offically a college student

13. June 2008 | Kategorie Uncategorized

As you all should know, i graduated in May. What you may not know is I am registered up and such. It is pretty sweet! I am taking 17 credits and taking not really weird classes except maybe one called speech, haha no just kidding it is called spirituality. Not sure what is going to be about but long story short im taking it. Mom got her burban so I get the van for college. i guess i don’t mind it. At least it is better than the car. Oh I finished 11th for my class that was pretty sweet! what else what else? Tyler and I are still going out and still happy. I golfed today and shot a 57. not the best but not to bad i guess. i beat brenna at least. Bryce i don’t know if you know this but you come home next week. Am i picking you up? that would be sweet! um so yea i have five thank you’s to write still and then those are done. Katy and Patches are still alive as well. haha so you should be pretty caught up now, hurray!

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Impressions

22. April 2008 | Kategorie Uncategorized

So Jet really likes beer. He kinda reminds me of Bryce in this way. Hogan likes it, but not as much. He kinda reminds me of Miles. Here is a funny video displaying their impression!

Impressions on YouTube

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Oh Blah Dee, Oh Blah Da

28. March 2008 | Kategorie Uncategorized

Im not really writing because I have a sweet story or anything. I’m Just writing. Wouldn’t it be funny if I just rambled on and on? You know, not getting anywhere, just talking! Haha, well I won’t do that. (this time) I was also thinking that it would be sweet if I pulled a Charles Dickens and started writing a book, but one chapter would appear at a time. You know what I’m talking about, right? Well if did do that, you guys would never find out what happened past the first chapter.

So here is what I was thinking, I would just talk about the weather. No, I am just kidding. What I really am going to talk about is my future plans. Some of you may already know my future plans, but I still am going to tell you.

I am planning on graduating May 18th from Milbank High School. I interviewed for a new job. It is a summer internship at the Big Stone County 4-H office. I only have to work like 20-35 hours a week and it pays eight to nine dollars an hour. I had a phone interview on Good Thursday and haven’t heard anything back yet, but I should be hearing soon-ish. Other than that my summer plans are much different from last year. I will be working at Bill’s and Mac Daddy’s still and helping with the summer arts program in June. I plan to spend as much of my free time as possible on the lake. It should be fun.

I will graduate on May 18th and next fall I will be at USD. I am excited, but also really nervous. I have little fears that I know probably won’t come true, but they are always present in my mind.¬† I will be close to Sioux Falls and to Micaela. So if i make no friends at school, I can always road trip to another college. haha no Im sure my room mate and I will at least hit it off.

I feel I am ready for college, only because I am in desperate need for a change. My grades haven’t been worse than they usually are, but they aren’t as good as they could be. I am kinda losing my focus and I think it is mainly because I am getting bored with the same old same old routine. I am a lot like Bryce. I always want to be doing something, and not the same thing all the time. I like variety. High School only offers variety in the middle of the year when there is a semester change. Other than that, it gets pretty boring. I really can’t wait till next year!

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The worst days of my life!

29. February 2008 | Kategorie Uncategorized

So I have been having the worse couple of days ever. Last night was my last basketball game! It was regions and if we won it, we won our ticket to state. We played Sioux Valley and at half time we were up by ten. We had a lead of 17 earlier in the game but slacked off by half time. Coach tried to motivate us in the locker room and not let us get discouraged. Whether it was Allie Osborne throwing a crappy pass that was easily picked off by a Sioux Valley player or the girls in just not playing basketball, it was a hard game to watch. I was getting so upset watching my team mates slack off and playing like we were ahead. They weren’t even trying. Of course coach didn’t do anything because he sucks! He couldn’t get in our heads and get our confidence up and when Allie throw the ball away three possessions in a row or other stupid mistakes he wouldn’t take them out of the game. I haven’t taken coaching classes, but im not stupid. Common sense would tell you that if a player isn’t playing well, you take them out and find someone who can play, that is why you have 14 girls sitting on the bench. Duh! Now losing wouldn’t have been as bad, except, I didn’t even get to play. It was my last game EVER and I only touched a basketball during warm-ups. I am really taking it hard!

So if this wasn’t bad enough, we got our play parts today. I am the only girl who tried out who didn’t complain about the play we were doing or the play we did in the fall. How do I get rewarded? I am Fruma-Sarah, whoever the heck that is. How are the complain about everything on earth that doesn’t go their way rewarded? THEY GET THE EEFING LEADS!!! Why does everyone hate me? What did I do to deserve all of this crap? Am I really that horrible of a person that God thinks its funny to do this too me? I hate it!!

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