What Happened to Step Two?

Our lives end in circles. They begin in hard points that conjoin and twist themselves into squares. Life starts off difficult, but simple. It starts off with no chance in the world, but the world a square of land in a circle of blue.

Then, oh then, it starts to repeat. As it repeats, it softens. You learn the dance by heart, but the music is mute. You’re heart skips with the tempo, and your brain vibrates to the tune.

You live, but you control nothing.

As you learn history repeats itself, it leads you to examine your history. Doesn’t it? There comes a point in your life (anyone’s, I guess) where you realize that up until this point you’ve been useless and, after this point (repeating until death), you will continue to be useless.

What you decide to do with this knowledge makes you great, or it makes you nothing.

This isn’t funny. I’m not sure if it’s sad. It’s pensive, and I hope you take time to think about what it means. I was drawing today. Lacey came up to DSU (what else would you do on a Friday night?) and one of the things the three of us did was make posters. I drew; Lacey colored; Jeff placed on the wall.

This sounds silly to saw out loud, but this is my method to art. The method is this : I do what I’m told. When I type, the words put themselves onto paper. There are lots of ways I could explain, but I guess the best one is to say that I’m a vessel. I am a channel for something else. I am an instrument of someone.

The same goes for drawing mostly. The better stuff is done through (though many would argue that none of it is good stuff). Any way, that makes it hard for me to explain my art, but I can eventually come up with what it means if you give me a sec.

Did you ever “feel” bugs on your skin and then there was nothing there?
Did you ever “see” something on your monitor and then there was nothing there?

Have you ever had a moment where you could do anything. Let me explain. I was in those crappy, low-budget, once-a-school-year, grade school productions put on by a group of gypsies with scripts and tshirts. This particular incident happened when I was in seventh grade. On the final night we were giving this girl in the grade ahead of me a ride back to her house. Before the vehicle left the parking lot, as we waited for my mother, this girl and I chatted. Suddenly a strange feeling came over me. It was akin to being drowsy very quickly. I felt like I was outside of myself. Maybe not physically, but my mind was suddenly in a different place. It was like I was thrust into a dream.

In dreams you can do anything. My mind told me this as I sat there. I thought, “I could just reach out and kiss her now. I can do anything right now. This feels just like a dream…” but before any sort of action the feeling waned away.

Has this ever happened to you? I am going to call this a “kissdream” (because the first thing I thought to do was kiss the girl) and maybe it’s something that other people have experienced. I have had several more kissdreams since then. They scare me deeply. I never realize that I’ve experienced one until it’s leaving, and it is then that I realize that I was very close to doing quite unnatural things that could ruin my life or others.

I’m tired. I’m spent. And I think that I pissed Lacey off when she was here. So I’m going to bed.